Wednesday, 26 December 2007
Damn those tigers, giving other members of the animal kingdom a bad name. Like the tiger, I am also an escaped animal, but upon leaving the zoo under my own steam, I employed a bit of common sense and laid low for a while. Maybe, for any other animals reading this blog, you might like to give common sense a go after escaping from the zoo, and not attack humans (not even if they are active members of the Liberal Democrats)?
My boss had been monitoring one of my calls, and I had wished the caller a "Merry Christmas". I was pulled aside and warned that if I said it again, I would be up on a disciplinary, because of the new rules. "What new rules?" I said. The new rules that we weren't to mention Christmas to callers, in case we offended them if they were not Christian. How can we offend them? I asked. I know people of different religions who celebrate Christmas, not because of believing in Christ, but rather enjoying the holiday as a chance for love, caring, thinking of others and being with family. Ah, my boss said, but someone of a different religion might get offended and we don't want to take that risk.
I had been unaware of the rules. The only advise my boss could give regarding that was to ensure I remained in contact with work on my days to be aware of any updates. If we must insist on greeting them, we must use the politically neutral "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays". Blimey.
Later that day, when a caller was ringing in to get the Vodafone helpline to activate a new phone she'd received for Christmas, it slipped my mind and I wished the caller a "Happy Christmas". My boss overheard this, and now I'm on a warning after my disciplinary meeting today. This is political correctness gone mad, I said, but it didn't help. I am but a phone monkey in a call centre.
So, let me take this opportunity to advise one and all via my blog that I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS, whichever section of society you belong to, and whether or not you choose to celebrate Christmas.
Monday, 24 December 2007
Sunday, 16 December 2007
I now have a couple of things to look forward to, not least of which is Christmas. Vlad, the nocturnal Romanian immigrant and my chum from Ludlow, will be driving the rented minibus for us through the night next weekend down to Dover so we can get the boat over to Calais, for the Barmpotsby Constituency booze cruise; nothing political about it, and probably against party rules, but we don't give a monkeys (except me, as THE monkey!), and it's just a good chance to have a nice day out with like-minded people to fuel up for Christmas.
Don't forget, campaign Saturdays are every Saturday (except next Saturday of course, because we'll be in France!), meeting at 10am outside the Ferret and Trouserleg in Upper Barmpotsby. Let's get another ten thousand leaflets out before the year ends!
Coming up at the end of January, I will also be attending a meeting in my capacity as PPC for Barmpotsby, a meeting to be held in Bristol, organised by Nick Webb; it's a bit of a trek from Barmpotsby, so I'll probably be getting the train down from Ludlow instead. It's a Conservative Future Election Discussion, to be chaired by the blogger John Moorcraft. I occasionally read his blog, but I have to say it's rather dry, especially now he seems to be doing an Iain Dale and just using his blog as an advertising vehicle, constantly harping on about his soon to be published book that he's written. No doubt it will be a good read though, so I can forgive him for that.
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Last weekend, in Barmpotsby, Yorkshire, one of my campaign team, Johan, made a comment about the case of the teacher Gillian Gibbons, who was jailed in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. Whilst helping me canvassing, he spoke about the case and said to a voter on the doorstep: "It's the first time that anyone's ever called for the early release of a Scouser from prison."
This obviously did not go down well with either the voter, or myself, and overhearing this, I immediately reprimanded Johan. It furthermore did not go down well with the people of Barmpotsby, as the local press, the Barmpot Mercury got word and printed a less than complimentary article.
I would like to disassociate myself completely with Johan's comments, and will be doing so when I meet with the consituency association for an Emergency General Meeting next Tuesday. Johan has since resigned his membership of the party.
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
This has come at a most inconvenient time as I've just moved into the spare room of a local couple here in Ludlow, and still have my various resources packed into boxes. My hosts are a young couple, called Pinkie and Dave. Dave is a mobile sales trainer for a well known company and I can't quite work out what he does, but I think he drives around the country to various branches of the store (I got that bit right; I've seen his travel allowance cheques!), where (I think) he teaches people how to stack shelves.
Pinkie is on maternity leave, having recently given birth to their first child, is from the Far East, and has a psotgraduate degree in nursing, whereas Dave has a Level 2 NVQ in retail display. I've been living with them for a little while now a token effort to give him a qualification., and I've only ever seen them argue once, over their qualifications, in fact. He reckons that his qualification has more value as it's equivalent to a degree (although a quick phone call to Connexions, the careers advise people, proved him wrong; it barely has equivalence to a GCSE), and it's from the UK, rubbishing Pinkie's long years of study and training in one fell swoop. It seems he was sold the idea of doing an NVQ on the grounds that it apparently has a lot of value in the workplace. It seems the NVQ assessors 'bigged it up' to him far more than it was actually worth....
Maybe I should speak when I talk on policy about addressing New Labour's disastrous education policies, giving false hopes, how it's failing the people? Mind you, Dave seems to be doing all right out of it, with his travel expenses cheques.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Now someone's all secret-hush-hush launching a campaign video, but without mentioning who they actually are.... its one way to draw attention to oneself, I suppose.
But those young scallywags of Conservative Future, eh? They reckon it's me (or at least Nick Webb, the CF chairman for Gloucestershire, does)! I don't have time for getting involved too much with the workings of CF myself. I'm too busy campaiging in Barmpotsby as PPC; that's where I've been for the past few days, and that's why I haven't blogged for a while. If I was going to run for something, I'd run openly, under my own name, not under some hidden net name or some made-up joke character.
Monday, 15 October 2007
Dearie me! What will the Lib Dems do?
There's only one thing for it - join the LEMBIT ÖPIK MP FOR LIB DEM LEADER! group on Facebook that I created. Lembit has been invited to join the group.
It is the first and original group on Facebook supporting Lembit Öpik as a potential brilliant leader of the Lib Dems following the resignation, 15 October 2007, of Ming Campbell, now former leader of the Lib Dems.
This group is unofficial (at the moment), unless Lembit is interested in getting involved.... What do you say Lembit? Up for it?
UPDATE: We already have more members than the John Hemming for Lib Dem Leader! and Campaign to elect Magnus Dundas as Lib Dem leader groups. Lembit can sure kick his opponents' bottoms!
Sunday, 14 October 2007
I agree 100% with having a fixed term parliament. It's vital for candidates like me to know these things, particularly when you don't have a supportive employer who will necessarily give you time off when needed... at all. Being able to plan ahead would be better.
So go for it! Support fixed term parliaments!
Friday, 12 October 2007
That Chancellor bloke, eh? They're calling him Magpie, now, so it seems. Alistair, it just won't work. Getting called a magpie won't necessarily make you a magpie. The only way you're going to get respect in the animal kingdom is to actually have been born an animal, like me. There are only a select few allowed to be called a real political animal, and Darling, sweetheart, you just ain't one of them.
I know some real magpies too, and they live a couple of trees away. And I tell you, they're just so changeable. You see one hanging around, they're just trouble on their own, you know it's just going to be woe, whereas as two, one's going to be keeping an eye on the other, so I suppose that's good thing.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
What happened? Left Wing happened. On my way back from Barmpotsby, I was just getting on a the train when suddenly I felt myself lifted and the next thing I knew, I was in a bag and in the boot of a car. It was the Vegetable Shape Man, as Johan called him. I had been captured by a British agent for the North Korean government, for that was what he was. I was held in a cupboard in a house for quite some time, while phone calls were made back and forth between Yorkshire and Pyongyang. It was part of a North Korean plan to undermine the West, by kidnapping a series of high profile right-leaning political people so that socialist and left leaning candidates would be unopposed. They hadn't factored in the Liberal Democrats, but then, they're not generally worth factoring in anyway.
I would have been rescued by PC Pyatt of the North West Riding Constabulary much quicker if it wasn't for the postal unions. A ransom note had been sent, reading "We have your monkey await instructions", via the Royal Mail, but due to the bloody strike, it was of course late coming through. It actually arrived after my release. Early this week, after an angry call from Pyongyang, the Vegetable Shape Man sent a copy via a private courier company, and thanks to that, they were able to trace quickly who had sent it, raid the place, and rescue me and arrest him. So my captivity was prolonged by the Royal Mail being held to ransom by the unions. It was only through competition and capitalism, namely use of a private company, that helped the police find out where I was.
The good thing is, Barmpotsby has been the focus of such media attention since my kidnapping that the constituency is more than likely to go blue in the next general election! It's just a shame I missed chicken Brown and his inability to actually to have some guts and have an election. Gads, I would have blogged the dour sod until he'd had no choice! I would have won easily in Barmpotsby. I'll just have to wait for now....
And I missed Cameron's speech. Ah, if only I had been there. Live blogging was the order of the day, so they say. Maybe next year.... And my thanks to you, all my readers and supporters, who have rallied round during my kidnapping. In the meantime, I've got a plate of bananas to eat: they gave the reward to me!
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Saturday, 6 October 2007
Friday, 5 October 2007
I am to announce that Will Monk, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette is formally missing. Police suspect Foul Play. The Police in the North West Riding Yorkshire Constabulary have a Picture of the Suspect put together, whom they to speak want.
It is seeming it is the Vegetable Shape Man. He may be having the Disguises.
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
UPDATING: I have with the Police spoken in North West Riding of Yorkshire. They will look for him. He is local Celebrity in Barmpotsby now.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Monday, 1 October 2007
Sunday, 30 September 2007
Saturday, 29 September 2007
Anyway, it appears I have been 'tagged'. No, I don't have an ASBO, but rather tagged in something called a meme by David Jones MP, and Daily Referendum. I'm still new to this blogging, so I'll give it a go.
The meme is to relate to the readers one's first political memory.
Well, it was the early 1980s, and I was but a young monkey. I'd been reading the newspapers left behind by the keeper in the zoo where I lived with my family, and listening to their radio.
Due to legal reasons, I'm not permitted to state which zoo, as firstly my family are still there, happy, and furthermore they have an injunction against me mentioning which zoo as it would amount to bad publicity for them as I escaped from there in 2005. They have agreed not to attempt to re-capture me in return for my silence on mentioning which zoo had a successful escape with no recapture of an animal.
They were talking in the paper (I believe it was The Sun) about the invasion of the Falklands by Argentina, and I admit I had been following the story quite a bit previously in other papers left around. I'm not an agressive monkey, so I thought the prospect of war was a little daunting, but when I heard on the radio how one rabidly left-leaning Labour MP thought Margaret Thatcher was bananas, I suddenly thought: hang on, that's my kind of woman! I was a right-winger from that point on, and quite vociferous on supporting British victory in the Falklands.
In the late 1980s and early 1990s the zoo loaned me out for various television and acting stints (I was always getting called up for PG Tips tea adverts) and it was through acting that I met Arnold Schwartzenegger in 1987, and through talking to him, I helped him with fixing his political opinions.
There were other things that developed my Conservatism, various things I read and saw on the news, but it wasn't until 2005 that I met the Tory lady who gave me a banana as mentioned before that really got me dedicated and involved in politics.
Now, I understand these memes have to be passed on. I'm tagging Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, Archbishop Cranmer, John Moorcraft, Tory Heaven and Linguanaut (Damon Lord).
I laughed and laughed so hard after commenting there that I fell out of my tree. On falling, I bumped my laptop. I'm fine, but the machine isn't; it still works, but now the screen only shows stuff in black and white. I've a good mind to take legal action against Pink Dog now, for putting up a picture so funny that it has been to my detriment.
Be warned, Pink Dog. I'm going to my solicitors' office on Tuesday morning for preliminary advice, before I head off to another selection meeting.
Friday, 28 September 2007
Wish me luck!
Thursday, 27 September 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Ladies of the night? I prefer ladies of the Right. However, one must admire their principled application of the free market economy within the European Union. Some conservatives have all the fun....
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
But I can't go.
I've tried getting time off at work, at the directory enquiries firm where I work, but they are extremely strict about awarding time off or holiday time, as the priority is to keep people on the phones, and time off is at a premium. In fact, one colleague in the team where I work had a bit of a breakdown in the office this afternoon. Her father's funeral was today, and they'd given her compassionate leave to arrange the funeral, but was not allowed to take any more time off today, the day her father was buried. I'm starting to feel that this is not such a happy place to work after all. It was resolved in the end as they gave her ten minbutes off the phones to call her mother's mobile, then told her she had to get back to work or face a disciplinary. Are call centres the modern equivalent of the 19th century workhouses? I suspect they are.
But back to politics. I need to think of a convincing excuse to tell my employer why I'm not at work during the forthcoming conference; then if I do manage to get to conference, I must then avoid the cameras and press, as they are likely to want to interview me (as I am the only openly bestial candidate) and I might be seen back home by my bosses.
What to do?
Monday, 17 September 2007
"The Liberal Democrat blogging community is very much a community," said award winner James Graham.
Um, yes. What else would a community be, but a community? It is implied in the first usage of the word community.
Now you'll have to excuse me for stating the obvious, but this blog is bananas....
Sunday, 16 September 2007
They certainly weren't happy with me when I returned to work. Last week I pulled a sickie to get off work and go to London, and this week I somehow managed to book it off as holiday. It's incredible, as they queue up the calls such, and have such a high turnover of staff that it's nigh impossible to book any time off because I should be on the phones, but somehow I did it.
But when I got in on Friday, they gave me 24 hours notice that I had a disciplinary meeting on Saturday for my absence last week (as they had changed my shifts without telling me whilst I was away, and now must permanently do a weekend day as well, and they'll give me one day off in the week in exchange, the weekday at their discretion). I'm thinking there is something amiss here, as when I told various colleagues that I was going for a disciplinary, they were not worried, but rather quite congratulatory. "Well done! That's time off the phones!" Not to worry though, it was my first offence so they would let it slide.
Perhaps working for a directory enquiries company is not all it cracked up to be. Maybe I am just a phone monkey.... And having an employer which messes around with your hours so is not conducive to planning my diary as to knowing which constituency meetings I can attend for selection!
Have to go now, I'm off to take part and give a speech at an interspecies forum to discuss bestial politics and encouraging voter participation in the animal kingdom. Should be interesting.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
And no, the promotional video did not help. BT are such in the little town of Pog-Mo-Thoin (where the meeting was held) that it seems they've only just got dial-up. That's why no blogging for a few days. I caught a stray wireless signal across the water from Stornoway at one point, but then it was gone, like, like... something that goes.
I only have a few minutes as I'm just changing buses in Glasgow again, stealing a wireless signal from a local office, in Buchanan Street Bus Station, so I can't write any more just now. I'll write some more soon when I get back to Ludlow. I'm off to get a banana in batter in batter in batter in batter (I'll push the boat out and have extra batter)with chips and then catch the National Express back to Digbeth, Birmingham, and then home to Ludlow.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
So what's to see? Buses, like every other bus station in the country. I went for a walk to get some food, and found myself in a chip shop. There were a few tables and chairs inside, offering a basic café service. It reminded me of Sweaty Noras Greasy Poon back in Ludlow. They have the strange delicacy here of a mars bar in batter. I ordered a banana in batter with chips. They then asked me if I wanted it in batter. Doesn't it come in batter already? I asked. It does, they clarified in their delicious Glaswegian accent, but do I want extra batter? I decided I did. Twice.
I think they then asked if I was going to eat it outwith. I was puzzled, but apparently it means outside, as it's the opposite of within. I took my chips and banana in batter in batter in batter and headed back to the bus station.
Ah, here comes the bus! See you soon!
So sit back, get out the popcorn (or bananas!), and enjoy.
And don't forget to Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette when it comes to selection in your consituency!
Before I head off to Scotland, however, I have a few things to do....
Monday, 10 September 2007
That nice Mr Cameron's policy group has been thinking about green measures, but has particularly been lambasted for changing the measure of wealth of a nation, abandoning GDP as a measurement. The Times has written it up like this:
the most controversial idea may be the proposed abandonment of GDP (gross domestic product) as the main measure of the nation’s success. Goldsmith and Gummer suggest it could be replaced with the so-called Happy Planet Index (HPI), devised by the New Economics Foundation and Friends of the Earth, which tries to include measures of human wellbeing and happiness in measures of national success.
David Cameron has been lambasted as a tree-hugger for this, but I think this is a brilliant idea. After all, the world needs more tree-huggers. I'm a happy little monkey, and if I didn't hug my tree, I'd fall down off my branch.
So I'm a Tory tree-hugger and proud. If I wasn't, I'd be out of my tree!
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Despite enormous setbacks, including the fact that most people refuse to
recognize who you are or even that you exist at all, you've built yourself into quite a
productive person. You've got a little trouble maintaining a sense of personal order,
but through the mess, you're still very industrious and have a small but pivotal impact on
almost everyone you know, and even people you don't. You make a whole lot of stuff.
Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Friday, 7 September 2007
Thursday, 6 September 2007
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Ah, London! How I love the town. My appointment at CCHQ was at 3pm, and I'm going to be staying in London for a few days. It's unusual, they said, to have potential A-List candidates coming forward this late in the political cycle, but after Ali Miraj fell from grace, a spot came up.
I nearly didn't make the appointment though. The London Underground had major problems caused by striking unions. How I love Margaret Thatcher for the way she stood up to the unions in the 1980s. What we need is a Tory leader like David Cameron who can carry on the way she did. (Is that OK, Central Office, to prove I'm not an Ancramite?)
Anyway, you'll be wanting to know how I got on. Well, it's only the first day. I did some tests first, some psychological profiling, to ensure I'm not nuts, although they say if you want to be involved in politics, you must be! From the results of one of the tests, I have the sort of character where I get upset if people don't park in spaces properly in car parks. Living in a tree above a car park, I can't say I'm all that bothered, but I nodded sagely and replied that it must mean I have an eye for detail when it comes to local issues.
They're going to give me some more tests tomorrow, give a few speeches, do some mock press interviews, and an odd one where I have to speak for three minutes authoratively on a topic I know nothing about. This is a vital skill in politics, aparently. I'm back at the hotel now, just logging on to let you all know I'm fine and living it up in London.
I'll have to go in a few minutes. I've been invited out for a few drinks by the Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Hooting constituency in South London, well known for its large owl population. His name is Mark Rhymes, and like me, is not a human. He's a secretary bird, which no doubt will appeal to the local bird population. He's also nominally the Chairman of the Conservative Bestiary, although the organisation is doing very little nationally at the moment.
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
Monday, 3 September 2007
Oh, the fun we had! In fact, it was through our discussions over the lunchtime lasagne (I hate lasagne! The only fruit baskets on set were in Arnie's trailer, but he used to give me bananas) that Arnie first got interested in politics. He was so impressed by my political opinions, even though I hadn't declared my love for the Conservative Party yet (I outed myself in 2005), that he later stated privately in correspondence with me that I was his political inspiration for getting involved in politics. He's now Governor of California, so you can't say my advice was wrong! We've remained in touch ever since, but haven't seen each other since then.
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Sunday, 26 August 2007
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Today was the results for GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education) students across the land, and it's all over the news. For the last year, down at Ludlow College, I've been doing an evening class to improve my CV. I've got my MCSE (Monkey Certificate of Secondary Education) qualifications under my belt (or rather my rosette, as monkeys don't wear belts!) already, but I've been studying for a GCSE in the Alutiiq language. I thought I'd signed up for the Arabic language (as apparently I could earn good wages in Saudi Arabia), but I'd forgotten my contact lenses that day, so hadn't read it properly and misread the form. I couldn't get a refund; I'd signed up for the wrong class and was stuck with it, so I went along to the first class, and fortunately I was hooked. Only one problem with the course: I never did learn the Alutiiq word for banana, even though I used to eat them all the time in class.
I also did a day course in Home Economics. At first I thought this would be a good course to do which could ease me gently into understanding better numbers, the economy, and also the mind of Public Enemy Number One Gordon Brown, but it turned out to be a cookery class instead! There was no exam at the end though, it was an uncredited course, so no qualification at the end, but I did take home a nice banana cake. I should post the recipe on here some time.
There will be ongoing political debates about the worth of GCSEs in the UK, but let's not try and run the students down today. They've worked hard, and well deserve their day of glory. Let's leave politics aside for today.
Anyway, you'll be wanting to know how I did?
I got a B grade! Quyanaasinaq (thank you very much), exam board.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
It won't be long and I'll be joining too; I'm off in a few minutes to head over to Perspiration Betty's parlour to see about this job to earn some dosh for the membership fee. For some reason she said bring some bananas. I don't know why. I'll find out when I get there. See you later.
Speaking of unemployment, I was at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon having a banana sandwich, moaning about my need to find a job to save up £25 to join the Conservatives, when she mentioned that her sister, Perspiration Betty, has a job going where she works late at night, manning the phones. I'm going to go round later and check it out. I've also got some interviews lined up with some agencies too.
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
All right, the camera's a bit shaky, but it's my first video....
Now let's see if this thing works....
Here's a video of me watching YouTube, with the good old traditional hymn "Jerusalem" playing.
- Winston Churchill Day: (date to be decided) why not honour the great man?
- National holiday: England and St George's Day, Scotland and St David's Day, Wales and St Andrew's Day. (Northern Ireland has St Patrick's Day off already)
- Banana Day: (date to be decided) Let us honour the greatest fruit God has ever given us.
Monday, 20 August 2007
I backed off at that point, and I decided there and then that I would work for Vlad no more. I checked how much money I had, just over ten pounds after my bacon sandwiches over the weekend (and as a treat my free banana sandwiches) at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon. So I got on the Internet and searched for jobs, as I may have only ten quid, but I need another fifteen quid to join the Tory Party. I found that I was not the only monkey looking for a job; in Mesa, Arizona in the USA, they have been looking to employ a monkey for the SWAT team. It's not bad wages, $100,000. Maybe the local police force are recruiting?
I phoned up the West Mercia Constabulary and got through to their non-emergency call centre in Worcester. After being passed around, I finally got through to HR, and made enquiries about joining up. For some reason they didn't quite believe that I would be wanting to join. They also probed my past, about when I was on the inside, before I escaped from the zoo, and I answered all questions truthfully; it would only come back to haunt me if I didn't. They were only recruiting police dogs at the moment, but I could be taken on as a force mascot. I asked about the pay, and they laughed and said it would be peanuts. They then hung up!
I was rather upset by this indignity, so I guess I won't be joining the police just yet. I could have made a great copper, it would have been an arresting sight! But I still have a great respect for the police, even though they didn't take me seriously. After all, David Davies MP is a special constable, and a jolly good one at that!
Sunday, 19 August 2007
Friday, 17 August 2007
Since the opening up of the European Union into Eastern Europe, there's been a lot of immigrants from the former Soviet bloc coming over. One of them is a friend of mine who occasionally gives me odd jobs to do, and his name is Vlad Ţepeş. I think he's possibly Hungarian, and I do odd jobs for him.
He's a good lad, is our Vlad, but he does keep odd hours. Like tonight. I've been working a lot for him of late, and he gives me notes to deliver, parcels to take to places. In fact, he's got a couple of monkeys apart from me doing errands, and the joke is that he's trying to do DHL and ParcelForce out of business, with his own MonkeyForce. That's how I managed to save up for this laptop I'm writing this on, and I'm now using it by stealing a stray wireless collection that I think comes from a strange lady who keeps a lot of cats and wears smelly old cardigans down the street. I think she's possibly a novelist, or a Liberal Democrat, although she doesn't wear sandals. Anyway, checking into the router to see what other users/thieves of the unsecured wireless signal are looking for, I see that there's a lot of "pussy" being looked for anyway, so that's why I suspect it's her. Because of her cats.
Anyway, tonight Vlad came round and asked me to take a parcel round to one of his lady friends. I said, yeah, no problem, Vlad me old mate, and off I went, like a monkey after a banana. He used to pay me peanuts, but I renegotiated my understanding with him, and he pays me in cash, has done for a while, that's how I got my laptop. Anyway, I was on my way, and silly me! I tripped, and the package opened and I saw what was inside.
I knew Vlad was into some dodgy stuff, but no questions asked, cash in hand, I was his man (or monkey). But it's medical supplies of some red stuff from down the Ludlow Community Hospital! There was no harm done to the package, so I delivered it to a very foxy chick with a Romanian accent who gave me a twenty pound note as a tip, so that's me sorted for the weekend. What's more she had a fit sister too who looked the same, maybe twins? But they spurned my advances, however, saying they had some studying to do. To prove it, they showed me a copy of Teach Yourself Estonian and How to recover from surgery that they had been reading. I got out of there.
I don't know though. My conscience is bugging me. I'm going to have to stop working for Vlad. The Conservatives are the party of enterprise and promise, so I need to find a proper job to fund my future. Membership of the party doesn't come cheap, at 25 quid a pop!
Thursday, 16 August 2007
This is terrible. Why can't everyone play nice? I've discovered in politics that everyone likes to be nasty to each other.
On the other hand, if there are likely to be attempts to rig the elections like this by Labour supporters, it could turn London into a banana republic! That wouldn't all be bad, then.
That brings me on to my next thought: there are whispers we might be heading for an early general election. That would be so exciting, because I would love to stand and do my bit for the party I have come to love and helped me in my early days of freedom. A couple of things stand in my way though.
Firstly, I'm not yet a member of the Tory Party. I'll have to rectify that with a letter to that nice Mr. David Cameron.
Secondly, once in, I'd need to get selected in a good seat. That'll be difficult.
Thirdly, I'm not actually sure if I'm registered to vote. There may be a few issues, what with me having escaped from the zoo, as who knows? I might even be down on the Home Office's books as an escapee, or an illegal immigrant!
Finally, I need to find a nice lady to be my life partner and feed me bananas all day. But who would care for a conservative monkey?
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
I'm Wilberforce Monkey. I've been supporting the Conservatives for a long time, and have been interested in getting involved. This blog is to chart my quest to get involved in Toryism, find the ultimate in monkey food delicacies (I love bananas!), and as I'm a single monkey to find the perfect woman for me. At the moment, I spend my days surfing dating websites, but haven't had much luck yet.
Wish me luck!