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Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Happy Hallowe'en!

I went down the pub this evening with a couple of mates to enjoy Hallowe'en, and I'm proud to say that my mate, Ted, won the fancy dress competition! He was dressed as a mad monk. Here's a picture of me with him.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Pinkie and Dave

I've been asked to look at Conservative Party policy and do a presentation to senior members of the Party sometime next month (hush hush, top secret when and where!) on the future of Conservative Party policy.

This has come at a most inconvenient time as I've just moved into the spare room of a local couple here in Ludlow, and still have my various resources packed into boxes. My hosts are a young couple, called Pinkie and Dave. Dave is a mobile sales trainer for a well known company and I can't quite work out what he does, but I think he drives around the country to various branches of the store (I got that bit right; I've seen his travel allowance cheques!), where (I think) he teaches people how to stack shelves.

Pinkie is on maternity leave, having recently given birth to their first child, is from the Far East, and has a psotgraduate degree in nursing, whereas Dave has a Level 2 NVQ in retail display. I've been living with them for a little while now a token effort to give him a qualification., and I've only ever seen them argue once, over their qualifications, in fact. He reckons that his qualification has more value as it's equivalent to a degree (although a quick phone call to Connexions, the careers advise people, proved him wrong; it barely has equivalence to a GCSE), and it's from the UK, rubbishing Pinkie's long years of study and training in one fell swoop. It seems he was sold the idea of doing an NVQ on the grounds that it apparently has a lot of value in the workplace. It seems the NVQ assessors 'bigged it up' to him far more than it was actually worth....

Maybe I should speak when I talk on policy about addressing New Labour's disastrous education policies, giving false hopes, how it's failing the people? Mind you, Dave seems to be doing all right out of it, with his travel expenses cheques.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

It wasn't me - CF elections ahead

Conservative Future certainly is hotting up for their elections, to be held, sometime... before the Second Coming of Christ, I hope? I fear their incumbent Chairman, Mark Clark, will be 31 before the next elections are held.

Now someone's all secret-hush-hush launching a campaign video, but without mentioning who they actually are.... its one way to draw attention to oneself, I suppose.

But those young scallywags of Conservative Future, eh? They reckon it's me (or at least Nick Webb, the CF chairman for Gloucestershire, does)! I don't have time for getting involved too much with the workings of CF myself. I'm too busy campaiging in Barmpotsby as PPC; that's where I've been for the past few days, and that's why I haven't blogged for a while. If I was going to run for something, I'd run openly, under my own name, not under some hidden net name or some made-up joke character.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Campbell resigns!

Ming Campbell has resigned as Lib Dem leader.

Dearie me! What will the Lib Dems do?

There's only one thing for it - join the LEMBIT ÖPIK MP FOR LIB DEM LEADER! group on Facebook that I created. Lembit has been invited to join the group.

It is the first and original group on Facebook supporting Lembit Öpik as a potential brilliant leader of the Lib Dems following the resignation, 15 October 2007, of Ming Campbell, now former leader of the Lib Dems.

This group is unofficial (at the moment), unless Lembit is interested in getting involved.... What do you say Lembit? Up for it?

UPDATE: We already have more members than the John Hemming for Lib Dem Leader! and Campaign to elect Magnus Dundas as Lib Dem leader groups. Lembit can sure kick his opponents' bottoms!

Sunday, 14 October 2007

Fixed Term Parliaments - I like it!

That nice Mr. Iain Dale has launched a new website calling for fixed term parliaments. Good on you Iain!

I agree 100% with having a fixed term parliament. It's vital for candidates like me to know these things, particularly when you don't have a supportive employer who will necessarily give you time off when needed... at all. Being able to plan ahead would be better.

So go for it! Support fixed term parliaments!

Friday, 12 October 2007

Flat hunting and magpies

I'm currently looking for a flat in the Ludlow area, as the police have recommended for my own safety that I get an alternative residence to my current tree. I've got the day off, and going back to work next week, so I'll keep you posted as and when I find anything. At the moment, I'm dossing round at Johan's place, surfing the net and catching up with all the political news.

That Chancellor bloke, eh? They're calling him Magpie, now, so it seems. Alistair, it just won't work. Getting called a magpie won't necessarily make you a magpie. The only way you're going to get respect in the animal kingdom is to actually have been born an animal, like me. There are only a select few allowed to be called a real political animal, and Darling, sweetheart, you just ain't one of them.

I know some real magpies too, and they live a couple of trees away. And I tell you, they're just so changeable. You see one hanging around, they're just trouble on their own, you know it's just going to be woe, whereas as two, one's going to be keeping an eye on the other, so I suppose that's good thing.



Well done Cameron. Condolences, Gordie.

OWNED. Hat tip to Dizzy.

After watching the video, go sign the petition mentioned by Gordon Brown.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

I blame the unions

Greetings, Will Monkey, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette, is back after a long period of captivity. It's not that I'm not used to captivity, I used to be in a zoo, so it was quite pleasant almost, but the good news is I'm free.

What happened? Left Wing happened. On my way back from Barmpotsby, I was just getting on a the train when suddenly I felt myself lifted and the next thing I knew, I was in a bag and in the boot of a car. It was the Vegetable Shape Man, as Johan called him. I had been captured by a British agent for the North Korean government, for that was what he was. I was held in a cupboard in a house for quite some time, while phone calls were made back and forth between Yorkshire and Pyongyang. It was part of a North Korean plan to undermine the West, by kidnapping a series of high profile right-leaning political people so that socialist and left leaning candidates would be unopposed. They hadn't factored in the Liberal Democrats, but then, they're not generally worth factoring in anyway.

I would have been rescued by PC Pyatt of the North West Riding Constabulary much quicker if it wasn't for the postal unions. A ransom note had been sent, reading "We have your monkey await instructions", via the Royal Mail, but due to the bloody strike, it was of course late coming through. It actually arrived after my release. Early this week, after an angry call from Pyongyang, the Vegetable Shape Man sent a copy via a private courier company, and thanks to that, they were able to trace quickly who had sent it, raid the place, and rescue me and arrest him. So my captivity was prolonged by the Royal Mail being held to ransom by the unions. It was only through competition and capitalism, namely use of a private company, that helped the police find out where I was.

The good thing is, Barmpotsby has been the focus of such media attention since my kidnapping that the constituency is more than likely to go blue in the next general election! It's just a shame I missed chicken Brown and his inability to actually to have some guts and have an election. Gads, I would have blogged the dour sod until he'd had no choice! I would have won easily in Barmpotsby. I'll just have to wait for now....

And I missed Cameron's speech. Ah, if only I had been there. Live blogging was the order of the day, so they say. Maybe next year.... And my thanks to you, all my readers and supporters, who have rallied round during my kidnapping. In the meantime, I've got a plate of bananas to eat: they gave the reward to me!

Sunday, 7 October 2007

Reward offered

This is PC Pyatt, investigating the case of the kidnapped local celebrity in Barmpotsby, Will Monk, who is conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the constituency.

A reward is being offered, pictured below, for information that leads to the successful arrest of the kidnapper of Will Monk, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette.

Due to the unusual nature of this case, we are asking people not to contact the Barmpotsby Police Station direct with information, but rather provide info only via the comments section on this blog.

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Clues in the Monkey's dissapearance

This is PC Pyatt writing from the North West Riding Constabulary. We can confirm it does appear to be a kidnapping case in the dissapearance of Will Monk, popularly known as the Monkey with a Blue Rosette.

Further clues are becoming evident.

Firstly, the monkey's profile on Facebook. He seemed to have briefly got to a computer to update his status on Facebook, and it appears to be a cry for help. He has written on 5th October 2007:

Will Monk
is I don't know where I am. A man took me. I think he's coming back an.

We are looking into this by investigating tracking him down via the ISP.

Secondly, we have produced a better profile picture of the suspect, who has been nicknamed the Vegetable Shape Man. If you have seen him, let us know.

Due to the unusual nature of this case, we are asking people not to contact the Barmpotsby Police Station direct with information, but rather provide info only via the comments section on this blog.

Friday, 5 October 2007

Police are looking for a suspect

Here is Johan.

I am to announce that Will Monk, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette is formally missing. Police suspect Foul Play. The Police in the North West Riding Yorkshire Constabulary have a Picture of the Suspect put together, whom they to speak want.

It is seeming it is the Vegetable Shape Man. He may be having the Disguises.

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Have you seen Monkey?

I am Johan. I am writing. Ja. Will Monk, my Friend Monkey with a blue Rosette was from Yorkshire gone; he was back to Ludlow here came, but he did not come. He has sent me a Textmessage. He says he is leaving. But he is never come here. I don't know where he is. Have you seen him? He was worried about being followed by a strange Man with a Vegetable-Shape Head. He followed him to Yorkshire. I will call the North West Riding Constabulary.

UPDATING: I have with the Police spoken in North West Riding of Yorkshire. They will look for him. He is local Celebrity in Barmpotsby now.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Johan helps Monkey with a Blue Rosette

Ja, this is Johan. Monkey with a Blue Rosette is now Candidate, he will surely not blog so much. I start today to help him and takeover the Blog; I give him a big Surprise when he sees this Blog. I do things about Europe. Today I will put a picture of Angela Merkel; she is German Chancellor and is great conservative.

Monkey win!

Ah ja, here is Johan. Again can I Will Monk's Blog write. He sends to me a Textmessage, he is selected for Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Yorkshire seat of Barmpotsby.

He is very happy. He is now there staying and he returns tomorrow. But he is scared. The strange Man with Vegetable Head follows him. My Monkey Friend is worried.

He also sends me Photomessage. He is catching a train to go to Yorkshire.

Read this Blog! I am called Johan, I can for Will write, and I make this Blog well!

Monday, 1 October 2007



Mine Name is Johan, I am German Fußball, and I am Will Monk's Friend since a long Time. When he tomorrow to Yorkshire goes, will I be writing this Blog for him. I am the Guestblogger, ja!

I can good English, therefore will I write, because Will in Yorkshire is.

Read my Words! Like my Blog!

Preparation to go to Yorkshire

I'm glad to hear that everything is going well at Tory Party Conference, but things aren't going so well here. I've noticed that there's a very strange man following me around; he looks like a familar vegetable, but I can't put my finger on it.... It's got me worried somewhat. I spotted him under my tree earlier, but he didn't see me. I hope I can shake him off before I head to Barmpotsby in Yorkshire tomorrow!