My so-called life

It has fallen to me to explain my current circumstances, and why I currently am seeking to change them. I live in a tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park in Ludlow, Shropshire, and it's been quite a nice life, but it does tend to be quite a hand to mouth existence. I don't have a job, or rather, I do have a job, but it's a bit irregular.

Since the opening up of the European Union into Eastern Europe, there's been a lot of immigrants from the former Soviet bloc coming over. One of them is a friend of mine who occasionally gives me odd jobs to do, and his name is Vlad Ţepeş. I think he's possibly Hungarian, and I do odd jobs for him.

He's a good lad, is our Vlad, but he does keep odd hours. Like tonight. I've been working a lot for him of late, and he gives me notes to deliver, parcels to take to places. In fact, he's got a couple of monkeys apart from me doing errands, and the joke is that he's trying to do DHL and ParcelForce out of business, with his own MonkeyForce. That's how I managed to save up for this laptop I'm writing this on, and I'm now using it by stealing a stray wireless collection that I think comes from a strange lady who keeps a lot of cats and wears smelly old cardigans down the street. I think she's possibly a novelist, or a Liberal Democrat, although she doesn't wear sandals. Anyway, checking into the router to see what other users/thieves of the unsecured wireless signal are looking for, I see that there's a lot of "pussy" being looked for anyway, so that's why I suspect it's her. Because of her cats.

Anyway, tonight Vlad came round and asked me to take a parcel round to one of his lady friends. I said, yeah, no problem, Vlad me old mate, and off I went, like a monkey after a banana. He used to pay me peanuts, but I renegotiated my understanding with him, and he pays me in cash, has done for a while, that's how I got my laptop. Anyway, I was on my way, and silly me! I tripped, and the package opened and I saw what was inside.

I knew Vlad was into some dodgy stuff, but no questions asked, cash in hand, I was his man (or monkey). But it's medical supplies of some red stuff from down the Ludlow Community Hospital! There was no harm done to the package, so I delivered it to a very foxy chick with a Romanian accent who gave me a twenty pound note as a tip, so that's me sorted for the weekend. What's more she had a fit sister too who looked the same, maybe twins? But they spurned my advances, however, saying they had some studying to do. To prove it, they showed me a copy of Teach Yourself Estonian and How to recover from surgery that they had been reading. I got out of there.

I don't know though. My conscience is bugging me. I'm going to have to stop working for Vlad. The Conservatives are the party of enterprise and promise, so I need to find a proper job to fund my future. Membership of the party doesn't come cheap, at 25 quid a pop!