I am NOT dead

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not dead. I'm only having a bit of trouble with my passport. My movements are restricted. I no longer have the ability to travel as freely as I would like.

I had to fake my death in order to comply with an important project, the details of which I cannot reveal at the moment. I will be returning to England soon, as I'm abroad (where, I cannot say, as that's classified). On my return, I will explain (if I get permission) why I had to fake my own death, what I've been doing and my future as the number one commentator on Conservative beastiality!

I will also be blogging about how I'm going to kick my local Tory team's arses for spreading I was dead via this blog!

Now, does anyone know the North Korean word for bribe?

Goodbye Will. RIP.

Councillor Wilberforce (Will) Monk, the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette, has sadly died after being killed by a Labour Party rival. An incident occured only moments after Monkey realised his lifetime's goal of being elected into office. In the accident, his defeated opponent ran the Monkey over within minutes of Monkey being declared winner. Police are now holding the Labour opponent for questioning by MI5, as the Labour opponent was found in possession of a North Korean passport and several questionable documents from Pyongyang. It seems North Korean agents got to the Monkey in the end. Will was particularly afraid of North Koreans. Will Monk was kidnapped last year by Pyongyang agents.

This signifies the end of a bright, vibrant animal who had a promising political career ahead of him, and also the end of this blog.

Our condolences to his family and supporters. To honour the Monkey, we have put together the following farewell video, with the help of Johan, who supplied us with the photos.

Goodbye, Will. You will be missed.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives.

COUNCILLOR MONKEY!

I'm live-blogging from the count. The results are in.

I've just been elected Councillor for the Smithfield Car Park ward. A successful Tory candidate, one of many, many Tory candidates celebrating tonight. I'd like to thank every voter who supported me, and my campaign team for their ceaseless assistance. I am now a councillor!

We're waiting for a few more results and then we're going out for an early morning bottle of champagne! Let's get pissed! Then let's get to work for the electorate.

VOTE CONSERVATIVE

Well, tomorrow is Election Day. I'm standing as candidate in the local council elections, standing in the Smithfield Car Park Ward in Ludlow.

The very best of luck to all Conservative candidates across the UK, especially to my chum Boris Johnson!

And vote Conservative!

Back in the South West

I look forward to returning to the South West of this beautiful country of ours, England, within the next couple of weeks, as I have got word they are selecting for the West Country seat of Wurzelton. Since being deselected for Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, I have been looking around for a seat where I can bring my true blue monkey potential.

Wurzelton is a very historic city in the South West and the constituency encompasses some historic small market-towns and villages as well, including Midsomer Badger, and has been a seat of some political interest in the past few years. If selected, I would ensure that the seat returns to the Conservative representation it deserves.

You may think it's bananas, but I look forward to returning to the South West. Down my local cafe, Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon (sic; it should be a greasy spoon, but the S fell off the sign), I had a chat with Perspiration Betty, Nora's sister. She was expressing concerns at me returning to frontline politics. I suffered some exhaustion as the candidate for Barmpotsby. I reassured her: Wurzelton is closer than Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, and I'd still return to her greasy poon regularly!

Forthcoming Events

I attended the EGM of the Barmpotsby Constituency Conservative Association in Yorkshire earlier this week, and there was some heated debate over the conduct of Johan, as previously mentioned, but the result of the meeting was that it should be left alone for now; we'll move forward.

I now have a couple of things to look forward to, not least of which is Christmas. Vlad, the nocturnal Romanian immigrant and my chum from Ludlow, will be driving the rented minibus for us through the night next weekend down to Dover so we can get the boat over to Calais, for the Barmpotsby Constituency booze cruise; nothing political about it, and probably against party rules, but we don't give a monkeys (except me, as THE monkey!), and it's just a good chance to have a nice day out with like-minded people to fuel up for Christmas.

Don't forget, campaign Saturdays are every Saturday (except next Saturday of course, because we'll be in France!), meeting at 10am outside the Ferret and Trouserleg in Upper Barmpotsby. Let's get another ten thousand leaflets out before the year ends!

Coming up at the end of January, I will also be attending a meeting in my capacity as PPC for Barmpotsby, a meeting to be held in Bristol, organised by Nick Webb; it's a bit of a trek from Barmpotsby, so I'll probably be getting the train down from Ludlow instead. It's a Conservative Future Election Discussion, to be chaired by the blogger John Moorcraft. I occasionally read his blog, but I have to say it's rather dry, especially now he seems to be doing an Iain Dale and just using his blog as an advertising vehicle, constantly harping on about his soon to be published book that he's written. No doubt it will be a good read though, so I can forgive him for that.

Gillian Gibbons - a clarification

Last weekend, in Barmpotsby, Yorkshire, one of my campaign team, Johan, made a comment about the case of the teacher Gillian Gibbons, who was jailed in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. Whilst helping me canvassing, he spoke about the case and said to a voter on the doorstep: "It's the first time that anyone's ever called for the early release of a Scouser from prison."

This obviously did not go down well with either the voter, or myself, and overhearing this, I immediately reprimanded Johan. It furthermore did not go down well with the people of Barmpotsby, as the local press, the Barmpot Mercury got word and printed a less than complimentary article.

I would like to disassociate myself completely with Johan's comments, and will be doing so when I meet with the consituency association for an Emergency General Meeting next Tuesday. Johan has since resigned his membership of the party.

Pinkie and Dave

I've been asked to look at Conservative Party policy and do a presentation to senior members of the Party sometime next month (hush hush, top secret when and where!) on the future of Conservative Party policy.

This has come at a most inconvenient time as I've just moved into the spare room of a local couple here in Ludlow, and still have my various resources packed into boxes. My hosts are a young couple, called Pinkie and Dave. Dave is a mobile sales trainer for a well known company and I can't quite work out what he does, but I think he drives around the country to various branches of the store (I got that bit right; I've seen his travel allowance cheques!), where (I think) he teaches people how to stack shelves.

Pinkie is on maternity leave, having recently given birth to their first child, is from the Far East, and has a psotgraduate degree in nursing, whereas Dave has a Level 2 NVQ in retail display. I've been living with them for a little while now a token effort to give him a qualification., and I've only ever seen them argue once, over their qualifications, in fact. He reckons that his qualification has more value as it's equivalent to a degree (although a quick phone call to Connexions, the careers advise people, proved him wrong; it barely has equivalence to a GCSE), and it's from the UK, rubbishing Pinkie's long years of study and training in one fell swoop. It seems he was sold the idea of doing an NVQ on the grounds that it apparently has a lot of value in the workplace. It seems the NVQ assessors 'bigged it up' to him far more than it was actually worth....

Maybe I should speak when I talk on policy about addressing New Labour's disastrous education policies, giving false hopes, how it's failing the people? Mind you, Dave seems to be doing all right out of it, with his travel expenses cheques.

It wasn't me - CF elections ahead

Conservative Future certainly is hotting up for their elections, to be held, sometime... before the Second Coming of Christ, I hope? I fear their incumbent Chairman, Mark Clark, will be 31 before the next elections are held.



Now someone's all secret-hush-hush launching a campaign video, but without mentioning who they actually are.... its one way to draw attention to oneself, I suppose.

But those young scallywags of Conservative Future, eh? They reckon it's me (or at least Nick Webb, the CF chairman for Gloucestershire, does)! I don't have time for getting involved too much with the workings of CF myself. I'm too busy campaiging in Barmpotsby as PPC; that's where I've been for the past few days, and that's why I haven't blogged for a while. If I was going to run for something, I'd run openly, under my own name, not under some hidden net name or some made-up joke character.

Preparation to go to Yorkshire

I'm glad to hear that everything is going well at Tory Party Conference, but things aren't going so well here. I've noticed that there's a very strange man following me around; he looks like a familar vegetable, but I can't put my finger on it.... It's got me worried somewhat. I spotted him under my tree earlier, but he didn't see me. I hope I can shake him off before I head to Barmpotsby in Yorkshire tomorrow!

Defection rumours are FALSE

There have been rumours of a high profile conservative defecting to Labour during next week's conference. I have been directly approached to ask if it is me.

Categorically I would like to state for the record that this is something I would not consider. I am the Monkey with a BLUE rosette, and no other colour. I'm a conservative monkey.

Furthermore, I won't be going to conference, as my bosses won't let me have time off work. The directory enquiries company talks about having a great outlook for work/life balance, but I've found out the hard way in this call centre that the work/life balance thing only counts if you live to work! I've only just managed to pursuade them to allow me a single day off so I can go to Yorkshire for a selection meeting on Tuesday. An e-mail from a senior party official has stated my attendance at conference is mandatory as a high profile candidate, but unfortunately, I won't be there.

So regardless of my conflict with the seniors in the party at the moment, I won't EVER be voting or supporting Labour!

First political memory

I hope this comes out as the laptop screen is mostly flashing on and off, going multicoloured and displaying strange pop-ups from websites I'm sure I haven't visited. It's either the damage caused by Pink Dog's website alone, or it's a result of that combined with me lending my computer to Sweaty Nora the other day in exchange for a week's bacon sandwiches, although I don't know what sites she visited. I still get my banana sandwiches for free there though, although they do taste a bit funny now.

Anyway, it appears I have been 'tagged'. No, I don't have an ASBO, but rather tagged in something called a meme by David Jones MP, and Daily Referendum. I'm still new to this blogging, so I'll give it a go.

The meme is to relate to the readers one's first political memory.

Well, it was the early 1980s, and I was but a young monkey. I'd been reading the newspapers left behind by the keeper in the zoo where I lived with my family, and listening to their radio.

Due to legal reasons, I'm not permitted to state which zoo, as firstly my family are still there, happy, and furthermore they have an injunction against me mentioning which zoo as it would amount to bad publicity for them as I escaped from there in 2005. They have agreed not to attempt to re-capture me in return for my silence on mentioning which zoo had a successful escape with no recapture of an animal.

They were talking in the paper (I believe it was The Sun) about the invasion of the Falklands by Argentina, and I admit I had been following the story quite a bit previously in other papers left around. I'm not an agressive monkey, so I thought the prospect of war was a little daunting, but when I heard on the radio how one rabidly left-leaning Labour MP thought Margaret Thatcher was bananas, I suddenly thought: hang on, that's my kind of woman! I was a right-winger from that point on, and quite vociferous on supporting British victory in the Falklands.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s the zoo loaned me out for various television and acting stints (I was always getting called up for PG Tips tea adverts) and it was through acting that I met Arnold Schwartzenegger in 1987, and through talking to him, I helped him with fixing his political opinions.

There were other things that developed my Conservatism, various things I read and saw on the news, but it wasn't until 2005 that I met the Tory lady who gave me a banana as mentioned before that really got me dedicated and involved in politics.

Now, I understand these memes have to be passed on. I'm tagging Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, Archbishop Cranmer, John Moorcraft, Tory Heaven and Linguanaut (Damon Lord).

Another selection meeting coming up

I'm off to Yorkshire next week. I'm not going to conference, as there's a selection meeting for me to attend. I've got my train ticket booked, time off work, and everything, travelling to Manchester, then across via Leeds. The town of Barmpotsby is a good Conservative/Labour marginal. It's got a lot of rural areas in the constituency, so I reckon it's got a good chance to go blue next time. The local Conservative Association is looking for a candidate, and I'm off to hopefully get selected!

Wish me luck!

Some Conservatives have all the fun...

News has just reached me that a highly successful university branch of Conservative Bestiary spent a major proportion of its budget at the end of the last academic year travelling to foreign climes, before spending the majority of the university-provided funding indulging in the artistic undressing atributes of ladies of talent.

Ladies of the night? I prefer ladies of the Right. However, one must admire their principled application of the free market economy within the European Union. Some conservatives have all the fun....

Candidate in trouble

Only on the A-list for a short time, and already I'm in trouble. Conference is coming up, and I've been told in no uncertain terms that my attendance is expected.

But I can't go.

I've tried getting time off at work, at the directory enquiries firm where I work, but they are extremely strict about awarding time off or holiday time, as the priority is to keep people on the phones, and time off is at a premium. In fact, one colleague in the team where I work had a bit of a breakdown in the office this afternoon. Her father's funeral was today, and they'd given her compassionate leave to arrange the funeral, but was not allowed to take any more time off today, the day her father was buried. I'm starting to feel that this is not such a happy place to work after all. It was resolved in the end as they gave her ten minbutes off the phones to call her mother's mobile, then told her she had to get back to work or face a disciplinary. Are call centres the modern equivalent of the 19th century workhouses? I suspect they are.

But back to politics. I need to think of a convincing excuse to tell my employer why I'm not at work during the forthcoming conference; then if I do manage to get to conference, I must then avoid the cameras and press, as they are likely to want to interview me (as I am the only openly bestial candidate) and I might be seen back home by my bosses.

What to do?

Interspecies voters conference

I was invited to give a speech yesterday at an interspecies conference about getting out the bestial vote. The audience was composed of more than fifty percent birds, which supports the recently published academic observation that birds are more politically astute. There were various speakers from different parties, including a socialist ferret, myself representing the conservative point of view, a pigeon from the Liberal Democrats and a Jack Russell from UKIP.

The socialist ferret gave a speech about all sections of the society (particularly the underprivileged) participating in voting, citing successes in local council elections such as in Birmingham where pets had controversially got the vote thanks to Labour. My speech went well, on the importance of democracy and voter participation amongst first time animal voters, but shortly after chaos broke out.

The Jack Russell from UKIP was rather twitchy and nervous, and kept snapping at things that weren't there, and fell off the platform as he started on about referenda for various European issues. Poor thing, he collapsed half way through and had to go and lie down. The Lib Dem pigeon got into a bit of a flap about this, forgot what he was saying, then flew about the hall pooping on attendees' heads.

Everyone exited the hall, to find that someone had scattered bread outside and the birds lost it and went wild, particularly the swans. This was part of the intended buffet for afterwards. What had been a successful event was spoiled by careless catering and UKIP. I picked up a hand of bananas and went home.

Unsuccessful monkey

I was unfortunate enough not to be selected at the meeting on Wednesday evening to be the prospective Conservative candidate for the constituency of Cùl-mhùtaireachd Coicèin. I'm a dejected little monkey now.

And no, the promotional video did not help. BT are such in the little town of Pog-Mo-Thoin (where the meeting was held) that it seems they've only just got dial-up. That's why no blogging for a few days. I caught a stray wireless signal across the water from Stornoway at one point, but then it was gone, like, like... something that goes.

I only have a few minutes as I'm just changing buses in Glasgow again, stealing a wireless signal from a local office, in Buchanan Street Bus Station, so I can't write any more just now. I'll write some more soon when I get back to Ludlow. I'm off to get a banana in batter in batter in batter in batter (I'll push the boat out and have extra batter)with chips and then catch the National Express back to Digbeth, Birmingham, and then home to Ludlow.

Toodle pip!

Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette Video

Now that I'm an A-List candidate for the Conservative Party, it is only fair that I have a promotional video. I knocked this together with the help of Johan and Vlad. I'll be touring the country visiting constituencies that are to select their prospective parliamentary candidates, and this video can only aid me in the attempt to get selected.

So sit back, get out the popcorn (or bananas!), and enjoy.

And don't forget to Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette when it comes to selection in your consituency!

I'm a happy tree-hugger

I am happy to be a member of the Tory Party, and an A-List candidate to boot!

That nice Mr Cameron's policy group has been thinking about green measures, but has particularly been lambasted for changing the measure of wealth of a nation, abandoning GDP as a measurement. The Times has written it up like this:

the most controversial idea may be the proposed abandonment of GDP (gross domestic product) as the main measure of the nation’s success. Goldsmith and Gummer suggest it could be replaced with the so-called Happy Planet Index (HPI), devised by the New Economics Foundation and Friends of the Earth, which tries to include measures of human wellbeing and happiness in measures of national success.

David Cameron has been lambasted as a tree-hugger for this, but I think this is a brilliant idea. After all, the world needs more tree-huggers. I'm a happy little monkey, and if I didn't hug my tree, I'd fall down off my branch.

So I'm a Tory tree-hugger and proud. If I wasn't, I'd be out of my tree!

Leaving London

Friday was a final day of training in Conservative Central Office, or CCHQ as we insiders call it, before heading back home. About five minutes before the end, who should pop in? Only David Cameron himself! He spent a few moments with me, talking about the importance of renewal in the party, and was glad to have such members from diverse backgrounds, including me, a monkey! Unfortunately, he was off to make a speech somewhere so didn't have time to take a picture.

I headed over to London Euston, my confidence boosted. I decided it was time to ride home in style, so I caught the Virgin train back to Birmingham, first class!

I won't be online for a few days, as I'm watching the rugby. Toodle-pip!