Monkey with a blue rosette

I am NOT dead

2008-07-15T00:29:00.006+01:00

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not dead. I'm only having a bit of trouble with my passport. My movements are restricted. I no longer have the ability to travel as freely as I would like.

I had to fake my death in order to comply with an important project, the details of which I cannot reveal at the moment. I will be returning to England soon, as I'm abroad (where, I cannot say, as that's classified). On my return, I will explain (if I get permission) why I had to fake my own death, what I've been doing and my future as the number one commentator on Conservative beastiality!

I will also be blogging about how I'm going to kick my local Tory team's arses for spreading I was dead via this blog!

Now, does anyone know the North Korean word for bribe?

Goodbye Will. RIP.

2008-05-02T17:18:00.009+01:00

Councillor Wilberforce (Will) Monk, the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette, has sadly died after being killed by a Labour Party rival. An incident occured only moments after Monkey realised his lifetime's goal of being elected into office. In the accident, his defeated opponent ran the Monkey over within minutes of Monkey being declared winner. Police are now holding the Labour opponent for questioning by MI5, as the Labour opponent was found in possession of a North Korean passport and several questionable documents from Pyongyang. It seems North Korean agents got to the Monkey in the end. Will was particularly afraid of North Koreans. Will Monk was kidnapped last year by Pyongyang agents.

This signifies the end of a bright, vibrant animal who had a promising political career ahead of him, and also the end of this blog.

Our condolences to his family and supporters. To honour the Monkey, we have put together the following farewell video, with the help of Johan, who supplied us with the photos.

Goodbye, Will. You will be missed.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives.

Monkey critically injured

2008-05-02T13:06:00.005+01:00

After leaving the count last night in search of champagne, Will Monk (the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette) was hit by a car driven by a bitter Labour party rival. He has been critically injured, and it is not known if he will make it. His family have been contacted, but are unable to make it immediately to the hospital bedside. Johan and Sweaty Nora are at his bedside. In respect for the Monkey, the local café Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon is closed for the day.

It is being currently treated as an accident, but even if the worst comes to the worst, there will be no manslaughter or murder charge, as the Monkey is not a human.

Please remember the Monkey in your thoughts and prayers today.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives

COUNCILLOR MONKEY!

2008-05-02T03:37:00.006+01:00

I'm live-blogging from the count. The results are in.

I've just been elected Councillor for the Smithfield Car Park ward. A successful Tory candidate, one of many, many Tory candidates celebrating tonight. I'd like to thank every voter who supported me, and my campaign team for their ceaseless assistance. I am now a councillor!

We're waiting for a few more results and then we're going out for an early morning bottle of champagne! Let's get pissed! Then let's get to work for the electorate.

VOTE CONSERVATIVE

2008-04-30T23:50:00.002+01:00

Well, tomorrow is Election Day. I'm standing as candidate in the local council elections, standing in the Smithfield Car Park Ward in Ludlow.

The very best of luck to all Conservative candidates across the UK, especially to my chum Boris Johnson!

And vote Conservative!

Bloody Pikeys

2008-03-18T23:38:00.005Z

At the risk of sounding politically incorrect (ah, bugger it, I'm drunk) I would like to come to the support of my fellow animal Basil Brush.

Basil Brush has come under fire for making a joke about gypsies, and is facing a reprimand by the BBC. Basil is a comedian, and a good pal of mine, and the old fox, although a teller of corny jokes, is a politically astute animal, although he does have a few liberal leanings. He endorsed a recent campaign on Facebook to allow interspecies relationships, but we'll let that pass for now.

I am willing to support him in his battle against the politically incorrect beasts of the BBC. The BBC has to be stopped in their stupid left-wing stance and censorship of my great mate, and allow him to voice legitimate opinions on gypsies and the ~~thieving scrounger~~ traveller community.

Now I have to clean up my room as I've just spilled Stella Artois on the floor.

It was the Monkey wot won it

2008-03-04T19:03:00.005Z

Congratulations to the three candidates that I personally vocally supported during the CF elections, Michael Rock (Chairman), Anastasia Beaumont-Botts (NME Member) and Cllr Steve Ricketts (NME Member). The results are out today.

It would be interesting to speculate whether it was my support that actually swayed the vote. Is my website actually considered influential? I wonder....

Anyway, my congratulations. You truly have some tough tasks ahead of you, if recent debate is anything to go by. Good luck.

Good luck in the CF Elections

2008-03-03T23:57:00.003Z

The very best of luck at the count for the CF Elections for Michael Rock, Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, and Cllr Steven Ricketts.

And yes, I have been approached to run for CF NME or Chair next year. However, given that I'm currently looking for a constituency to run in, my focus is on that, so sorry to break it to my loyal readers, but I have no plans to run next year.

Besides, with Johan so publically disgraced as my campaign manager, at the moment I'd probably have to ask Vlad to come back and join my campaign team if I did run for CF, and to be honest, nice chap that the Romanian immigrant is, he sort of scares me. I took a photo of me with him this evening, as we went for a game of poker after hours round at Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon, and this was the result.... I only asked him to smile!

Problems with the CF Elections

2008-03-02T22:59:00.005Z

Apparently they've now delayed the result of the CF Elections another day. No actual reason why posted on the CF website at the moment. I'm worried, as I did have the greatest faith in the Conservative Central office, but now this has happened, with no real justifiable explanation that I can see. I am now rapidly losing faith in the CF election process, and I was probably one of those who kept the faith longest, as a true blue. I reckon now that the CF National Organiser couldn't organise a cock-up in an orgy, never mind an orgy in a whore house.

Fuck this, I'm going to get pissed with Sweaty Nora and Johan. Beer always restores my faith in democracy.

CF = Conservative Future? CF = Count Fudge-up, more like.

Monkey votes

2008-02-29T23:05:00.003Z

Well, I admit it, I've been on the pop again. But never mind all that. Earlier on in the week, I got around to filling in my ballot paper for voting in the Conservative Future elections. This is me with my ballot paper! I was getting pissed at the time, however, so the picture is not a great one.

Monkey slogan

2008-02-25T23:09:00.002Z

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Thanks to Theo Spark for pointing this out.

Back in the South West

2008-02-25T18:13:00.004Z

I look forward to returning to the South West of this beautiful country of ours, England, within the next couple of weeks, as I have got word they are selecting for the West Country seat of Wurzelton. Since being deselected for Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, I have been looking around for a seat where I can bring my true blue monkey potential.

Wurzelton is a very historic city in the South West and the constituency encompasses some historic small market-towns and villages as well, including Midsomer Badger, and has been a seat of some political interest in the past few years. If selected, I would ensure that the seat returns to the Conservative representation it deserves.

You may think it's bananas, but I look forward to returning to the South West. Down my local cafe, Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon (sic; it should be a greasy spoon, but the S fell off the sign), I had a chat with Perspiration Betty, Nora's sister. She was expressing concerns at me returning to frontline politics. I suffered some exhaustion as the candidate for Barmpotsby. I reassured her: Wurzelton is closer than Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, and I'd still return to her greasy poon regularly!

CF Election

2008-02-21T00:08:00.004Z

As previously stated, I'm declining to comment on the CF elections at this point due to the volatile turn of events that has occurred. All I will say is that I am supporting the following candidates, having found them worthy of my support:

MICHAEL ROCK
ANASTASIA BEAUMONT-BOTT
STEVEN RICKETTS

I shall say no more on the subject for now.

Good luck.

CF Election hustings in Bristol 3

2008-02-21T00:01:00.006Z

I would particularly like to thank John Moorcraft for his assistance in arranging my security at the event. I stayed with him for a couple of days and enjoyed a beer and a long chat or two with him, although I must say that the facilities he provided for my security and transportation from his house back to Ludlow left much to be desired.

That's the last time I ever travel by ParcelForce! Thank you for your hospitality, and f*** you for the piss-poor travel arrangements, John. There's only one thing to say in your favour, and that's that I met no North Koreans during the event. North Koreans scare me.

CF Election hustings in Bristol 2

2008-02-20T23:58:00.004Z

Here's me with their local chairman of CF, Nick Webb (above), and his deputy, Laura (below). My thanks to them for hosting the event.

CF Election hustings in Bristol

2008-02-20T22:51:00.002Z

Oh well, my agent has advised me to keep my opinions on the electoral process in light of the recent debate of the CF elections, that's why I have not blogged for a while.

I enjoyed a jolly nice day, as I hope you can see from this photo of me outside the venue:

Good morning Bristol!

2008-01-27T08:27:00.000Z

Ah, this is exciting. I'm off to the CF hustings today, to see how it goes. The only problem is I have laryngitis, so won't be able to speak! Argh!

Anyway, here's a photo I took of me this morning outside my hotel, the Brigstow, overlooking the elegant Bristol harbour. It's a pricy hotel, but well worth it. They have a boat outside with a restaurant on it as well!

Bad news, good news

2008-01-26T17:47:00.000Z

Unfortunately, it is with great regret that I have by mutual consent of both myself and the Constituency Association withdrawn from being the PPC of Barmpotsby. I am now without a constituency.

Good news though: I've just arrived in Bristol for attending and watching the CF hustings! Here's a picture of me at Temple Meads train station. See you all tomorrow!

Please ignore a certain Sunday tabloid

2008-01-06T15:02:00.000Z

As a political figure, there are always skeletons in people's cupboards. It's perhaps fortunate that they've come out early in my career, clear the air, so to speak. I hope this won't jeopardise my future political career.

I reproduce one of the photos from the newspaper so you can see what I mean. I won't grace the offending newspaper with a link, as it is hardly one of my favourites, and may even be out to destroy my reputation in the name of sales. There's no point denying it was me either. I'll just say that many years ago, when I was a jobbing actor, roles were often hard to come by, and I did turn to alternative means to support myself. It is something that I regret immensely, and hoped that those days had been forgotten about.

I would like to thank my family, colleagues and friends for support during this difficult time.

CF politics and future chairman?

2008-01-06T14:54:00.000Z

Let's get this blog back out of the gutter and away from my personal life (I'll be making a statement about that later).

I would like to make clear at this point that I have decided who will be getting support for the Conservative Future elections this year. I fully support Michael Rock. I've even managed to acquire a badge which says so! Go Michael! If you are a CF member, join the Facebook group!

Monkey admits scandal

2008-01-04T21:12:00.001Z

Ladies and gentlemonkeys, I am sorry to admit that yes, I have been found out. By The Telegraph, of all papers. My thanks to ThunderDragon for making me aware of this.

Let's get this out of the way. The article in The Telegraph is correct. I have paid for sex, and rather than go through the rigmarole of going through trial by media in depth, I've decided to admit it straight away, get it out the way, and move on with my life. I am happy to report that The Telegraph has got some details wrong however. Sex only 3.5 times an hour? I am far more virile than that....

Happy New Year!

2008-01-04T20:53:00.000Z

My thanks to everyone who came along to the Barmpotsby Conservatives pub crawl on the 31st December. It was well attended, even by dignitaries from across the region. It would be wrong of me to divulge what a certain senior member of the party told me of goings on in Westminster, but needless to say, it brings a whole new meaning to "order, order"!

I am quite looking forward to attending the CF hustings in Bristol later this month, but as it is somewhere new for me, I was quite worried about security. However, Nick Webb, the organiser, has confirmed that no North Koreans are expected to attend, so my worries have been abated. I have received private correspondence from Nick Webb which says "I will seek to ensure that your security is well maintained, it is taking place in one of the nicer parts of Bristol."

So thank you Mr Webb. I look forward to meeting you.

Animal escapes from zoo

2007-12-26T18:00:00.000Z

I read in this morning's Telegraph that in San Francisco, a tiger escaped from the zoo and killed someone. My sympathies go to the victim's family, but it is the tiger I wish to discuss at this stage.

Damn those tigers, giving other members of the animal kingdom a bad name. Like the tiger, I am also an escaped animal, but upon leaving the zoo under my own steam, I employed a bit of common sense and laid low for a while. Maybe, for any other animals reading this blog, you might like to give common sense a go after escaping from the zoo, and not attack humans (not even if they are active members of the Liberal Democrats)?

Merry Monkeyin' Christmas....

2007-12-26T15:44:00.000Z

What did my beloved readers get this season? Do let the Monkey with a Blue Rosette know if you had a good holiday. I say holiday, as I'm not allowed to mention Christmas; as you all know, I work at a directory enquiries call centre when not being political, and it fell to me to work the December 25 shift. Now I'd taken a few days off to go campaigning in Barmpotsby before the festive period, and then went on the booze cruise to Calais with the Barmpotsby Conservative Constituency Association. When I returned to work on 25 December, I became aware of the new company rules.

My boss had been monitoring one of my calls, and I had wished the caller a "Merry Christmas". I was pulled aside and warned that if I said it again, I would be up on a disciplinary, because of the new rules. "What new rules?" I said. The new rules that we weren't to mention Christmas to callers, in case we offended them if they were not Christian. How can we offend them? I asked. I know people of different religions who celebrate Christmas, not because of believing in Christ, but rather enjoying the holiday as a chance for love, caring, thinking of others and being with family. Ah, my boss said, but someone of a different religion might get offended and we don't want to take that risk.

I had been unaware of the rules. The only advise my boss could give regarding that was to ensure I remained in contact with work on my days to be aware of any updates. If we must insist on greeting them, we must use the politically neutral "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays". Blimey.

Later that day, when a caller was ringing in to get the Vodafone helpline to activate a new phone she'd received for Christmas, it slipped my mind and I wished the caller a "Happy Christmas". My boss overheard this, and now I'm on a warning after my disciplinary meeting today. This is political correctness gone mad, I said, but it didn't help. I am but a phone monkey in a call centre.

So, let me take this opportunity to advise one and all via my blog that I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS, whichever section of society you belong to, and whether or not you choose to celebrate Christmas.

Back from France

2007-12-24T20:53:00.000Z

Ah, to be a monkey on the booze-cruise in France, what a weekend I've just had! A great time was had by all, and we all have enough beer and wine and spirits to last us a couple of days at least.

There were a few problems, not least of which with Vlad, our driver. His visa seemed to be a little out-of-date, but it was sorted in time for him to drive the bus back at nightfall. Not many photos, I'm afraid, but here's a couple of the ones I did take.