What happened? Left Wing happened. On my way back from Barmpotsby, I was just getting on a the train when suddenly I felt myself lifted and the next thing I knew, I was in a bag and in the boot of a car. It was the Vegetable Shape Man, as Johan called him. I had been captured by a British agent for the North Korean government, for that was what he was. I was held in a cupboard in a house for quite some time, while phone calls were made back and forth between Yorkshire and Pyongyang. It was part of a North Korean plan to undermine the West, by kidnapping a series of high profile right-leaning political people so that socialist and left leaning candidates would be unopposed. They hadn't factored in the Liberal Democrats, but then, they're not generally worth factoring in anyway.
I would have been rescued by PC Pyatt of the North West Riding Constabulary much quicker if it wasn't for the postal unions. A ransom note had been sent, reading "We have your monkey await instructions", via the Royal Mail, but due to the bloody strike, it was of course late coming through. It actually arrived after my release. Early this week, after an angry call from Pyongyang, the Vegetable Shape Man sent a copy via a private courier company, and thanks to that, they were able to trace quickly who had sent it, raid the place, and rescue me and arrest him. So my captivity was prolonged by the Royal Mail being held to ransom by the unions. It was only through competition and capitalism, namely use of a private company, that helped the police find out where I was.
The good thing is, Barmpotsby has been the focus of such media attention since my kidnapping that the constituency is more than likely to go blue in the next general election! It's just a shame I missed chicken Brown and his inability to actually to have some guts and have an election. Gads, I would have blogged the dour sod until he'd had no choice! I would have won easily in Barmpotsby. I'll just have to wait for now....
And I missed Cameron's speech. Ah, if only I had been there. Live blogging was the order of the day, so they say. Maybe next year.... And my thanks to you, all my readers and supporters, who have rallied round during my kidnapping. In the meantime, I've got a plate of bananas to eat: they gave the reward to me!
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