Good morning Bristol!

Ah, this is exciting. I'm off to the CF hustings today, to see how it goes. The only problem is I have laryngitis, so won't be able to speak! Argh!

Anyway, here's a photo I took of me this morning outside my hotel, the Brigstow, overlooking the elegant Bristol harbour. It's a pricy hotel, but well worth it. They have a boat outside with a restaurant on it as well!

Bad news, good news

Unfortunately, it is with great regret that I have by mutual consent of both myself and the Constituency Association withdrawn from being the PPC of Barmpotsby. I am now without a constituency.

Good news though: I've just arrived in Bristol for attending and watching the CF hustings! Here's a picture of me at Temple Meads train station. See you all tomorrow!

Please ignore a certain Sunday tabloid

As a political figure, there are always skeletons in people's cupboards. It's perhaps fortunate that they've come out early in my career, clear the air, so to speak. I hope this won't jeopardise my future political career.

I reproduce one of the photos from the newspaper so you can see what I mean. I won't grace the offending newspaper with a link, as it is hardly one of my favourites, and may even be out to destroy my reputation in the name of sales. There's no point denying it was me either. I'll just say that many years ago, when I was a jobbing actor, roles were often hard to come by, and I did turn to alternative means to support myself. It is something that I regret immensely, and hoped that those days had been forgotten about.

I would like to thank my family, colleagues and friends for support during this difficult time.

CF politics and future chairman?

Let's get this blog back out of the gutter and away from my personal life (I'll be making a statement about that later).

I would like to make clear at this point that I have decided who will be getting support for the Conservative Future elections this year. I fully support Michael Rock. I've even managed to acquire a badge which says so! Go Michael! If you are a CF member, join the Facebook group!

Monkey admits scandal

Ladies and gentlemonkeys, I am sorry to admit that yes, I have been found out. By The Telegraph, of all papers. My thanks to ThunderDragon for making me aware of this.

Let's get this out of the way. The article in The Telegraph is correct. I have paid for sex, and rather than go through the rigmarole of going through trial by media in depth, I've decided to admit it straight away, get it out the way, and move on with my life. I am happy to report that The Telegraph has got some details wrong however. Sex only 3.5 times an hour? I am far more virile than that....

Happy New Year!

My thanks to everyone who came along to the Barmpotsby Conservatives pub crawl on the 31st December. It was well attended, even by dignitaries from across the region. It would be wrong of me to divulge what a certain senior member of the party told me of goings on in Westminster, but needless to say, it brings a whole new meaning to "order, order"!

I am quite looking forward to attending the CF hustings in Bristol later this month, but as it is somewhere new for me, I was quite worried about security. However, Nick Webb, the organiser, has confirmed that no North Koreans are expected to attend, so my worries have been abated. I have received private correspondence from Nick Webb which says "I will seek to ensure that your security is well maintained, it is taking place in one of the nicer parts of Bristol."

So thank you Mr Webb. I look forward to meeting you.

Animal escapes from zoo

I read in this morning's Telegraph that in San Francisco, a tiger escaped from the zoo and killed someone. My sympathies go to the victim's family, but it is the tiger I wish to discuss at this stage.

Damn those tigers, giving other members of the animal kingdom a bad name. Like the tiger, I am also an escaped animal, but upon leaving the zoo under my own steam, I employed a bit of common sense and laid low for a while. Maybe, for any other animals reading this blog, you might like to give common sense a go after escaping from the zoo, and not attack humans (not even if they are active members of the Liberal Democrats)?

Merry Monkeyin' Christmas....

What did my beloved readers get this season? Do let the Monkey with a Blue Rosette know if you had a good holiday. I say holiday, as I'm not allowed to mention Christmas; as you all know, I work at a directory enquiries call centre when not being political, and it fell to me to work the December 25 shift. Now I'd taken a few days off to go campaigning in Barmpotsby before the festive period, and then went on the booze cruise to Calais with the Barmpotsby Conservative Constituency Association. When I returned to work on 25 December, I became aware of the new company rules.

My boss had been monitoring one of my calls, and I had wished the caller a "Merry Christmas". I was pulled aside and warned that if I said it again, I would be up on a disciplinary, because of the new rules. "What new rules?" I said. The new rules that we weren't to mention Christmas to callers, in case we offended them if they were not Christian. How can we offend them? I asked. I know people of different religions who celebrate Christmas, not because of believing in Christ, but rather enjoying the holiday as a chance for love, caring, thinking of others and being with family. Ah, my boss said, but someone of a different religion might get offended and we don't want to take that risk.

I had been unaware of the rules. The only advise my boss could give regarding that was to ensure I remained in contact with work on my days to be aware of any updates. If we must insist on greeting them, we must use the politically neutral "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays". Blimey.

Later that day, when a caller was ringing in to get the Vodafone helpline to activate a new phone she'd received for Christmas, it slipped my mind and I wished the caller a "Happy Christmas". My boss overheard this, and now I'm on a warning after my disciplinary meeting today. This is political correctness gone mad, I said, but it didn't help. I am but a phone monkey in a call centre.

So, let me take this opportunity to advise one and all via my blog that I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS, whichever section of society you belong to, and whether or not you choose to celebrate Christmas.

Back from France

Ah, to be a monkey on the booze-cruise in France, what a weekend I've just had! A great time was had by all, and we all have enough beer and wine and spirits to last us a couple of days at least.

There were a few problems, not least of which with Vlad, our driver. His visa seemed to be a little out-of-date, but it was sorted in time for him to drive the bus back at nightfall. Not many photos, I'm afraid, but here's a couple of the ones I did take.

Forthcoming Events

I attended the EGM of the Barmpotsby Constituency Conservative Association in Yorkshire earlier this week, and there was some heated debate over the conduct of Johan, as previously mentioned, but the result of the meeting was that it should be left alone for now; we'll move forward.

I now have a couple of things to look forward to, not least of which is Christmas. Vlad, the nocturnal Romanian immigrant and my chum from Ludlow, will be driving the rented minibus for us through the night next weekend down to Dover so we can get the boat over to Calais, for the Barmpotsby Constituency booze cruise; nothing political about it, and probably against party rules, but we don't give a monkeys (except me, as THE monkey!), and it's just a good chance to have a nice day out with like-minded people to fuel up for Christmas.

Don't forget, campaign Saturdays are every Saturday (except next Saturday of course, because we'll be in France!), meeting at 10am outside the Ferret and Trouserleg in Upper Barmpotsby. Let's get another ten thousand leaflets out before the year ends!

Coming up at the end of January, I will also be attending a meeting in my capacity as PPC for Barmpotsby, a meeting to be held in Bristol, organised by Nick Webb; it's a bit of a trek from Barmpotsby, so I'll probably be getting the train down from Ludlow instead. It's a Conservative Future Election Discussion, to be chaired by the blogger John Moorcraft. I occasionally read his blog, but I have to say it's rather dry, especially now he seems to be doing an Iain Dale and just using his blog as an advertising vehicle, constantly harping on about his soon to be published book that he's written. No doubt it will be a good read though, so I can forgive him for that.

Gillian Gibbons - a clarification

Last weekend, in Barmpotsby, Yorkshire, one of my campaign team, Johan, made a comment about the case of the teacher Gillian Gibbons, who was jailed in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. Whilst helping me canvassing, he spoke about the case and said to a voter on the doorstep: "It's the first time that anyone's ever called for the early release of a Scouser from prison."

This obviously did not go down well with either the voter, or myself, and overhearing this, I immediately reprimanded Johan. It furthermore did not go down well with the people of Barmpotsby, as the local press, the Barmpot Mercury got word and printed a less than complimentary article.

I would like to disassociate myself completely with Johan's comments, and will be doing so when I meet with the consituency association for an Emergency General Meeting next Tuesday. Johan has since resigned his membership of the party.

Monkey update

My apologies for not blogging recently. I've delivered over twenty thousand leaflets in a week by myself, and am still working hard to fight Barmpotsby. I'll keep you updated.

Happy Hallowe'en!

I went down the pub this evening with a couple of mates to enjoy Hallowe'en, and I'm proud to say that my mate, Ted, won the fancy dress competition! He was dressed as a mad monk. Here's a picture of me with him.

Pinkie and Dave

I've been asked to look at Conservative Party policy and do a presentation to senior members of the Party sometime next month (hush hush, top secret when and where!) on the future of Conservative Party policy.

This has come at a most inconvenient time as I've just moved into the spare room of a local couple here in Ludlow, and still have my various resources packed into boxes. My hosts are a young couple, called Pinkie and Dave. Dave is a mobile sales trainer for a well known company and I can't quite work out what he does, but I think he drives around the country to various branches of the store (I got that bit right; I've seen his travel allowance cheques!), where (I think) he teaches people how to stack shelves.

Pinkie is on maternity leave, having recently given birth to their first child, is from the Far East, and has a psotgraduate degree in nursing, whereas Dave has a Level 2 NVQ in retail display. I've been living with them for a little while now a token effort to give him a qualification., and I've only ever seen them argue once, over their qualifications, in fact. He reckons that his qualification has more value as it's equivalent to a degree (although a quick phone call to Connexions, the careers advise people, proved him wrong; it barely has equivalence to a GCSE), and it's from the UK, rubbishing Pinkie's long years of study and training in one fell swoop. It seems he was sold the idea of doing an NVQ on the grounds that it apparently has a lot of value in the workplace. It seems the NVQ assessors 'bigged it up' to him far more than it was actually worth....

Maybe I should speak when I talk on policy about addressing New Labour's disastrous education policies, giving false hopes, how it's failing the people? Mind you, Dave seems to be doing all right out of it, with his travel expenses cheques.

It wasn't me - CF elections ahead

Conservative Future certainly is hotting up for their elections, to be held, sometime... before the Second Coming of Christ, I hope? I fear their incumbent Chairman, Mark Clark, will be 31 before the next elections are held.



Now someone's all secret-hush-hush launching a campaign video, but without mentioning who they actually are.... its one way to draw attention to oneself, I suppose.

But those young scallywags of Conservative Future, eh? They reckon it's me (or at least Nick Webb, the CF chairman for Gloucestershire, does)! I don't have time for getting involved too much with the workings of CF myself. I'm too busy campaiging in Barmpotsby as PPC; that's where I've been for the past few days, and that's why I haven't blogged for a while. If I was going to run for something, I'd run openly, under my own name, not under some hidden net name or some made-up joke character.

Campbell resigns!

Ming Campbell has resigned as Lib Dem leader.

Dearie me! What will the Lib Dems do?

There's only one thing for it - join the LEMBIT ÖPIK MP FOR LIB DEM LEADER! group on Facebook that I created. Lembit has been invited to join the group.

It is the first and original group on Facebook supporting Lembit Öpik as a potential brilliant leader of the Lib Dems following the resignation, 15 October 2007, of Ming Campbell, now former leader of the Lib Dems.

This group is unofficial (at the moment), unless Lembit is interested in getting involved.... What do you say Lembit? Up for it?

UPDATE: We already have more members than the John Hemming for Lib Dem Leader! and Campaign to elect Magnus Dundas as Lib Dem leader groups. Lembit can sure kick his opponents' bottoms!

Fixed Term Parliaments - I like it!

That nice Mr. Iain Dale has launched a new website calling for fixed term parliaments. Good on you Iain!

I agree 100% with having a fixed term parliament. It's vital for candidates like me to know these things, particularly when you don't have a supportive employer who will necessarily give you time off when needed... at all. Being able to plan ahead would be better.

So go for it! Support fixed term parliaments!

Flat hunting and magpies

I'm currently looking for a flat in the Ludlow area, as the police have recommended for my own safety that I get an alternative residence to my current tree. I've got the day off, and going back to work next week, so I'll keep you posted as and when I find anything. At the moment, I'm dossing round at Johan's place, surfing the net and catching up with all the political news.

That Chancellor bloke, eh? They're calling him Magpie, now, so it seems. Alistair, it just won't work. Getting called a magpie won't necessarily make you a magpie. The only way you're going to get respect in the animal kingdom is to actually have been born an animal, like me. There are only a select few allowed to be called a real political animal, and Darling, sweetheart, you just ain't one of them.

I know some real magpies too, and they live a couple of trees away. And I tell you, they're just so changeable. You see one hanging around, they're just trouble on their own, you know it's just going to be woe, whereas as two, one's going to be keeping an eye on the other, so I suppose that's good thing.

Laters!

PMQs

Well done Cameron. Condolences, Gordie.

OWNED. Hat tip to Dizzy.



After watching the video, go sign the petition mentioned by Gordon Brown.

I blame the unions

Greetings, Will Monkey, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette, is back after a long period of captivity. It's not that I'm not used to captivity, I used to be in a zoo, so it was quite pleasant almost, but the good news is I'm free.

What happened? Left Wing happened. On my way back from Barmpotsby, I was just getting on a the train when suddenly I felt myself lifted and the next thing I knew, I was in a bag and in the boot of a car. It was the Vegetable Shape Man, as Johan called him. I had been captured by a British agent for the North Korean government, for that was what he was. I was held in a cupboard in a house for quite some time, while phone calls were made back and forth between Yorkshire and Pyongyang. It was part of a North Korean plan to undermine the West, by kidnapping a series of high profile right-leaning political people so that socialist and left leaning candidates would be unopposed. They hadn't factored in the Liberal Democrats, but then, they're not generally worth factoring in anyway.

I would have been rescued by PC Pyatt of the North West Riding Constabulary much quicker if it wasn't for the postal unions. A ransom note had been sent, reading "We have your monkey await instructions", via the Royal Mail, but due to the bloody strike, it was of course late coming through. It actually arrived after my release. Early this week, after an angry call from Pyongyang, the Vegetable Shape Man sent a copy via a private courier company, and thanks to that, they were able to trace quickly who had sent it, raid the place, and rescue me and arrest him. So my captivity was prolonged by the Royal Mail being held to ransom by the unions. It was only through competition and capitalism, namely use of a private company, that helped the police find out where I was.




The good thing is, Barmpotsby has been the focus of such media attention since my kidnapping that the constituency is more than likely to go blue in the next general election! It's just a shame I missed chicken Brown and his inability to actually to have some guts and have an election. Gads, I would have blogged the dour sod until he'd had no choice! I would have won easily in Barmpotsby. I'll just have to wait for now....

And I missed Cameron's speech. Ah, if only I had been there. Live blogging was the order of the day, so they say. Maybe next year.... And my thanks to you, all my readers and supporters, who have rallied round during my kidnapping. In the meantime, I've got a plate of bananas to eat: they gave the reward to me!