Monkey critically injured

After leaving the count last night in search of champagne, Will Monk (the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette) was hit by a car driven by a bitter Labour party rival. He has been critically injured, and it is not known if he will make it. His family have been contacted, but are unable to make it immediately to the hospital bedside. Johan and Sweaty Nora are at his bedside. In respect for the Monkey, the local café Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon is closed for the day.

It is being currently treated as an accident, but even if the worst comes to the worst, there will be no manslaughter or murder charge, as the Monkey is not a human.

Please remember the Monkey in your thoughts and prayers today.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives

Good luck in the CF Elections

The very best of luck at the count for the CF Elections for Michael Rock, Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, and Cllr Steven Ricketts.

And yes, I have been approached to run for CF NME or Chair next year. However, given that I'm currently looking for a constituency to run in, my focus is on that, so sorry to break it to my loyal readers, but I have no plans to run next year.

Besides, with Johan so publically disgraced as my campaign manager, at the moment I'd probably have to ask Vlad to come back and join my campaign team if I did run for CF, and to be honest, nice chap that the Romanian immigrant is, he sort of scares me. I took a photo of me with him this evening, as we went for a game of poker after hours round at Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon, and this was the result.... I only asked him to smile!

Problems with the CF Elections

Apparently they've now delayed the result of the CF Elections another day. No actual reason why posted on the CF website at the moment. I'm worried, as I did have the greatest faith in the Conservative Central office, but now this has happened, with no real justifiable explanation that I can see. I am now rapidly losing faith in the CF election process, and I was probably one of those who kept the faith longest, as a true blue. I reckon now that the CF National Organiser couldn't organise a cock-up in an orgy, never mind an orgy in a whore house.

Fuck this, I'm going to get pissed with Sweaty Nora and Johan. Beer always restores my faith in democracy.

CF = Conservative Future? CF = Count Fudge-up, more like.

Gillian Gibbons - a clarification

Last weekend, in Barmpotsby, Yorkshire, one of my campaign team, Johan, made a comment about the case of the teacher Gillian Gibbons, who was jailed in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. Whilst helping me canvassing, he spoke about the case and said to a voter on the doorstep: "It's the first time that anyone's ever called for the early release of a Scouser from prison."

This obviously did not go down well with either the voter, or myself, and overhearing this, I immediately reprimanded Johan. It furthermore did not go down well with the people of Barmpotsby, as the local press, the Barmpot Mercury got word and printed a less than complimentary article.

I would like to disassociate myself completely with Johan's comments, and will be doing so when I meet with the consituency association for an Emergency General Meeting next Tuesday. Johan has since resigned his membership of the party.

Have you seen Monkey?

I am Johan. I am writing. Ja. Will Monk, my Friend Monkey with a blue Rosette was from Yorkshire gone; he was back to Ludlow here came, but he did not come. He has sent me a Textmessage. He says he is leaving. But he is never come here. I don't know where he is. Have you seen him? He was worried about being followed by a strange Man with a Vegetable-Shape Head. He followed him to Yorkshire. I will call the North West Riding Constabulary.

UPDATING: I have with the Police spoken in North West Riding of Yorkshire. They will look for him. He is local Celebrity in Barmpotsby now.

Johan helps Monkey with a Blue Rosette

Ja, this is Johan. Monkey with a Blue Rosette is now Candidate, he will surely not blog so much. I start today to help him and takeover the Blog; I give him a big Surprise when he sees this Blog. I do things about Europe. Today I will put a picture of Angela Merkel; she is German Chancellor and is great conservative.

Monkey win!

Ah ja, here is Johan. Again can I Will Monk's Blog write. He sends to me a Textmessage, he is selected for Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Yorkshire seat of Barmpotsby.

He is very happy. He is now there staying and he returns tomorrow. But he is scared. The strange Man with Vegetable Head follows him. My Monkey Friend is worried.

He also sends me Photomessage. He is catching a train to go to Yorkshire.

Read this Blog! I am called Johan, I can for Will write, and I make this Blog well!

Guestblogger

Hallo!

Mine Name is Johan, I am German Fußball, and I am Will Monk's Friend since a long Time. When he tomorrow to Yorkshire goes, will I be writing this Blog for him. I am the Guestblogger, ja!

I can good English, therefore will I write, because Will in Yorkshire is.

Read my Words! Like my Blog!

Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette Video

Now that I'm an A-List candidate for the Conservative Party, it is only fair that I have a promotional video. I knocked this together with the help of Johan and Vlad. I'll be touring the country visiting constituencies that are to select their prospective parliamentary candidates, and this video can only aid me in the attempt to get selected.

So sit back, get out the popcorn (or bananas!), and enjoy.

And don't forget to Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette when it comes to selection in your consituency!

Monkey with a blue rosette goes to work, watches football

Off to work I went. I arrived at Perspiration Betty's and immediately regretted it. When she asked about the bananas, I said I'd forgotten them (I'd actually eaten them on the way). Perspiration Betty showed me into a room with a phone and a bed, and told me to make myself comfortable. I was so excited, my first proper job, that I even got my photo taken before I started! Perspiration Betty then explained the job to me. I was to be an operator for an adult chat line! I couldn't last the course. My first call came through, and as I started to read from my script that I was "a naughty monkey", I just hung up on the caller. Perspiration Betty was furious. I said that I was a serious monkey with a blue rosette, with genuine political career aspirations, and it would only do me harm within the Conservative Party to continue working there another moment, so I left immediately. I didn't get paid.

Ah well, I'm off to the agencies tomorrow. I went round my mate Johan's place after quitting the job; he's a German football, and he'd TIVOed the football game from earlier. As you probably know, England lost. Look at the smug git grinning! I'm feeling even more down now. Will I ever get a decent job?