Good luck in the CF Elections

The very best of luck at the count for the CF Elections for Michael Rock, Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, and Cllr Steven Ricketts.

And yes, I have been approached to run for CF NME or Chair next year. However, given that I'm currently looking for a constituency to run in, my focus is on that, so sorry to break it to my loyal readers, but I have no plans to run next year.

Besides, with Johan so publically disgraced as my campaign manager, at the moment I'd probably have to ask Vlad to come back and join my campaign team if I did run for CF, and to be honest, nice chap that the Romanian immigrant is, he sort of scares me. I took a photo of me with him this evening, as we went for a game of poker after hours round at Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon, and this was the result.... I only asked him to smile!

Back from France

Ah, to be a monkey on the booze-cruise in France, what a weekend I've just had! A great time was had by all, and we all have enough beer and wine and spirits to last us a couple of days at least.

There were a few problems, not least of which with Vlad, our driver. His visa seemed to be a little out-of-date, but it was sorted in time for him to drive the bus back at nightfall. Not many photos, I'm afraid, but here's a couple of the ones I did take.

Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette Video

Now that I'm an A-List candidate for the Conservative Party, it is only fair that I have a promotional video. I knocked this together with the help of Johan and Vlad. I'll be touring the country visiting constituencies that are to select their prospective parliamentary candidates, and this video can only aid me in the attempt to get selected.

So sit back, get out the popcorn (or bananas!), and enjoy.

And don't forget to Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette when it comes to selection in your consituency!

The expansion of the EU and job hunting

Vlad came round again last night, and we got talking about the European Union, and particularly the expansion of the EU. He welcomed Romania joining the EU, as well as Bulgaria, and we chatted about other states joining. He thought Moldova was a long way off joining though until it solved the problems of the separatist Transnistria region. I mentioned that I was undecided about Turkey joining the EU, and that's when it all went bad. Vlad went nuts. "Those accursed Ottomans," he yelled, "The blood that flows in these veins shall never forget even if I go on forever! The blood is the life! They who stole the Hagia Sophia and beat at the very gates of Vienna; we can never let them into Europe again!" He ran off screaming through the streets of Ludlow about avenging his people, and I felt quite scared.

I backed off at that point, and I decided there and then that I would work for Vlad no more. I checked how much money I had, just over ten pounds after my bacon sandwiches over the weekend (and as a treat my free banana sandwiches) at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon. So I got on the Internet and searched for jobs, as I may have only ten quid, but I need another fifteen quid to join the Tory Party. I found that I was not the only monkey looking for a job; in Mesa, Arizona in the USA, they have been looking to employ a monkey for the SWAT team. It's not bad wages, $100,000. Maybe the local police force are recruiting?

I phoned up the West Mercia Constabulary and got through to their non-emergency call centre in Worcester. After being passed around, I finally got through to HR, and made enquiries about joining up. For some reason they didn't quite believe that I would be wanting to join. They also probed my past, about when I was on the inside, before I escaped from the zoo, and I answered all questions truthfully; it would only come back to haunt me if I didn't. They were only recruiting police dogs at the moment, but I could be taken on as a force mascot. I asked about the pay, and they laughed and said it would be peanuts. They then hung up!

I was rather upset by this indignity, so I guess I won't be joining the police just yet. I could have made a great copper, it would have been an arresting sight! But I still have a great respect for the police, even though they didn't take me seriously. After all, David Davies MP is a special constable, and a jolly good one at that!

My so-called life

It has fallen to me to explain my current circumstances, and why I currently am seeking to change them. I live in a tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park in Ludlow, Shropshire, and it's been quite a nice life, but it does tend to be quite a hand to mouth existence. I don't have a job, or rather, I do have a job, but it's a bit irregular.

Since the opening up of the European Union into Eastern Europe, there's been a lot of immigrants from the former Soviet bloc coming over. One of them is a friend of mine who occasionally gives me odd jobs to do, and his name is Vlad Ţepeş. I think he's possibly Hungarian, and I do odd jobs for him.

He's a good lad, is our Vlad, but he does keep odd hours. Like tonight. I've been working a lot for him of late, and he gives me notes to deliver, parcels to take to places. In fact, he's got a couple of monkeys apart from me doing errands, and the joke is that he's trying to do DHL and ParcelForce out of business, with his own MonkeyForce. That's how I managed to save up for this laptop I'm writing this on, and I'm now using it by stealing a stray wireless collection that I think comes from a strange lady who keeps a lot of cats and wears smelly old cardigans down the street. I think she's possibly a novelist, or a Liberal Democrat, although she doesn't wear sandals. Anyway, checking into the router to see what other users/thieves of the unsecured wireless signal are looking for, I see that there's a lot of "pussy" being looked for anyway, so that's why I suspect it's her. Because of her cats.

Anyway, tonight Vlad came round and asked me to take a parcel round to one of his lady friends. I said, yeah, no problem, Vlad me old mate, and off I went, like a monkey after a banana. He used to pay me peanuts, but I renegotiated my understanding with him, and he pays me in cash, has done for a while, that's how I got my laptop. Anyway, I was on my way, and silly me! I tripped, and the package opened and I saw what was inside.

I knew Vlad was into some dodgy stuff, but no questions asked, cash in hand, I was his man (or monkey). But it's medical supplies of some red stuff from down the Ludlow Community Hospital! There was no harm done to the package, so I delivered it to a very foxy chick with a Romanian accent who gave me a twenty pound note as a tip, so that's me sorted for the weekend. What's more she had a fit sister too who looked the same, maybe twins? But they spurned my advances, however, saying they had some studying to do. To prove it, they showed me a copy of Teach Yourself Estonian and How to recover from surgery that they had been reading. I got out of there.

I don't know though. My conscience is bugging me. I'm going to have to stop working for Vlad. The Conservatives are the party of enterprise and promise, so I need to find a proper job to fund my future. Membership of the party doesn't come cheap, at 25 quid a pop!