Goodbye Will. RIP.

Councillor Wilberforce (Will) Monk, the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette, has sadly died after being killed by a Labour Party rival. An incident occured only moments after Monkey realised his lifetime's goal of being elected into office. In the accident, his defeated opponent ran the Monkey over within minutes of Monkey being declared winner. Police are now holding the Labour opponent for questioning by MI5, as the Labour opponent was found in possession of a North Korean passport and several questionable documents from Pyongyang. It seems North Korean agents got to the Monkey in the end. Will was particularly afraid of North Koreans. Will Monk was kidnapped last year by Pyongyang agents.

This signifies the end of a bright, vibrant animal who had a promising political career ahead of him, and also the end of this blog.

Our condolences to his family and supporters. To honour the Monkey, we have put together the following farewell video, with the help of Johan, who supplied us with the photos.

Goodbye, Will. You will be missed.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives.

Monkey critically injured

After leaving the count last night in search of champagne, Will Monk (the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette) was hit by a car driven by a bitter Labour party rival. He has been critically injured, and it is not known if he will make it. His family have been contacted, but are unable to make it immediately to the hospital bedside. Johan and Sweaty Nora are at his bedside. In respect for the Monkey, the local café Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon is closed for the day.

It is being currently treated as an accident, but even if the worst comes to the worst, there will be no manslaughter or murder charge, as the Monkey is not a human.

Please remember the Monkey in your thoughts and prayers today.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives

Defection rumours are FALSE

There have been rumours of a high profile conservative defecting to Labour during next week's conference. I have been directly approached to ask if it is me.

Categorically I would like to state for the record that this is something I would not consider. I am the Monkey with a BLUE rosette, and no other colour. I'm a conservative monkey.

Furthermore, I won't be going to conference, as my bosses won't let me have time off work. The directory enquiries company talks about having a great outlook for work/life balance, but I've found out the hard way in this call centre that the work/life balance thing only counts if you live to work! I've only just managed to pursuade them to allow me a single day off so I can go to Yorkshire for a selection meeting on Tuesday. An e-mail from a senior party official has stated my attendance at conference is mandatory as a high profile candidate, but unfortunately, I won't be there.

So regardless of my conflict with the seniors in the party at the moment, I won't EVER be voting or supporting Labour!

Interspecies voters conference

I was invited to give a speech yesterday at an interspecies conference about getting out the bestial vote. The audience was composed of more than fifty percent birds, which supports the recently published academic observation that birds are more politically astute. There were various speakers from different parties, including a socialist ferret, myself representing the conservative point of view, a pigeon from the Liberal Democrats and a Jack Russell from UKIP.

The socialist ferret gave a speech about all sections of the society (particularly the underprivileged) participating in voting, citing successes in local council elections such as in Birmingham where pets had controversially got the vote thanks to Labour. My speech went well, on the importance of democracy and voter participation amongst first time animal voters, but shortly after chaos broke out.

The Jack Russell from UKIP was rather twitchy and nervous, and kept snapping at things that weren't there, and fell off the platform as he started on about referenda for various European issues. Poor thing, he collapsed half way through and had to go and lie down. The Lib Dem pigeon got into a bit of a flap about this, forgot what he was saying, then flew about the hall pooping on attendees' heads.

Everyone exited the hall, to find that someone had scattered bread outside and the birds lost it and went wild, particularly the swans. This was part of the intended buffet for afterwards. What had been a successful event was spoiled by careless catering and UKIP. I picked up a hand of bananas and went home.

Thoughts on selecting the London Mayor

Labour supporters are trying to wreck the selection process for the Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, so I've heard, potentially sabotaging that nice Mr Boris Johnson's chances.

This is terrible. Why can't everyone play nice? I've discovered in politics that everyone likes to be nasty to each other.

On the other hand, if there are likely to be attempts to rig the elections like this by Labour supporters, it could turn London into a banana republic! That wouldn't all be bad, then.

Hmmm, bananas.......