I am NOT dead

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not dead. I'm only having a bit of trouble with my passport. My movements are restricted. I no longer have the ability to travel as freely as I would like.

I had to fake my death in order to comply with an important project, the details of which I cannot reveal at the moment. I will be returning to England soon, as I'm abroad (where, I cannot say, as that's classified). On my return, I will explain (if I get permission) why I had to fake my own death, what I've been doing and my future as the number one commentator on Conservative beastiality!

I will also be blogging about how I'm going to kick my local Tory team's arses for spreading I was dead via this blog!

Now, does anyone know the North Korean word for bribe?

Goodbye Will. RIP.

Councillor Wilberforce (Will) Monk, the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette, has sadly died after being killed by a Labour Party rival. An incident occured only moments after Monkey realised his lifetime's goal of being elected into office. In the accident, his defeated opponent ran the Monkey over within minutes of Monkey being declared winner. Police are now holding the Labour opponent for questioning by MI5, as the Labour opponent was found in possession of a North Korean passport and several questionable documents from Pyongyang. It seems North Korean agents got to the Monkey in the end. Will was particularly afraid of North Koreans. Will Monk was kidnapped last year by Pyongyang agents.

This signifies the end of a bright, vibrant animal who had a promising political career ahead of him, and also the end of this blog.

Our condolences to his family and supporters. To honour the Monkey, we have put together the following farewell video, with the help of Johan, who supplied us with the photos.

Goodbye, Will. You will be missed.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives.

Monkey critically injured

After leaving the count last night in search of champagne, Will Monk (the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette) was hit by a car driven by a bitter Labour party rival. He has been critically injured, and it is not known if he will make it. His family have been contacted, but are unable to make it immediately to the hospital bedside. Johan and Sweaty Nora are at his bedside. In respect for the Monkey, the local café Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon is closed for the day.

It is being currently treated as an accident, but even if the worst comes to the worst, there will be no manslaughter or murder charge, as the Monkey is not a human.

Please remember the Monkey in your thoughts and prayers today.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives

COUNCILLOR MONKEY!

I'm live-blogging from the count. The results are in.

I've just been elected Councillor for the Smithfield Car Park ward. A successful Tory candidate, one of many, many Tory candidates celebrating tonight. I'd like to thank every voter who supported me, and my campaign team for their ceaseless assistance. I am now a councillor!

We're waiting for a few more results and then we're going out for an early morning bottle of champagne! Let's get pissed! Then let's get to work for the electorate.

VOTE CONSERVATIVE

Well, tomorrow is Election Day. I'm standing as candidate in the local council elections, standing in the Smithfield Car Park Ward in Ludlow.

The very best of luck to all Conservative candidates across the UK, especially to my chum Boris Johnson!

And vote Conservative!

Bloody Pikeys

At the risk of sounding politically incorrect (ah, bugger it, I'm drunk) I would like to come to the support of my fellow animal Basil Brush.

Basil Brush has come under fire for making a joke about gypsies, and is facing a reprimand by the BBC. Basil is a comedian, and a good pal of mine, and the old fox, although a teller of corny jokes, is a politically astute animal, although he does have a few liberal leanings. He endorsed a recent campaign on Facebook to allow interspecies relationships, but we'll let that pass for now.

I am willing to support him in his battle against the politically incorrect beasts of the BBC. The BBC has to be stopped in their stupid left-wing stance and censorship of my great mate, and allow him to voice legitimate opinions on gypsies and the thieving scrounger traveller community.

Now I have to clean up my room as I've just spilled Stella Artois on the floor.

It was the Monkey wot won it

Congratulations to the three candidates that I personally vocally supported during the CF elections, Michael Rock (Chairman), Anastasia Beaumont-Botts (NME Member) and Cllr Steve Ricketts (NME Member). The results are out today.

It would be interesting to speculate whether it was my support that actually swayed the vote. Is my website actually considered influential? I wonder....

Anyway, my congratulations. You truly have some tough tasks ahead of you, if recent debate is anything to go by. Good luck.

Good luck in the CF Elections

The very best of luck at the count for the CF Elections for Michael Rock, Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, and Cllr Steven Ricketts.

And yes, I have been approached to run for CF NME or Chair next year. However, given that I'm currently looking for a constituency to run in, my focus is on that, so sorry to break it to my loyal readers, but I have no plans to run next year.

Besides, with Johan so publically disgraced as my campaign manager, at the moment I'd probably have to ask Vlad to come back and join my campaign team if I did run for CF, and to be honest, nice chap that the Romanian immigrant is, he sort of scares me. I took a photo of me with him this evening, as we went for a game of poker after hours round at Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon, and this was the result.... I only asked him to smile!

Problems with the CF Elections

Apparently they've now delayed the result of the CF Elections another day. No actual reason why posted on the CF website at the moment. I'm worried, as I did have the greatest faith in the Conservative Central office, but now this has happened, with no real justifiable explanation that I can see. I am now rapidly losing faith in the CF election process, and I was probably one of those who kept the faith longest, as a true blue. I reckon now that the CF National Organiser couldn't organise a cock-up in an orgy, never mind an orgy in a whore house.

Fuck this, I'm going to get pissed with Sweaty Nora and Johan. Beer always restores my faith in democracy.

CF = Conservative Future? CF = Count Fudge-up, more like.