Monkey with a blue rosette

Greetings

2007-08-15T22:47:00.000+01:00

Hi!

I'm Wilberforce Monkey. I've been supporting the Conservatives for a long time, and have been interested in getting involved. This blog is to chart my quest to get involved in Toryism, find the ultimate in monkey food delicacies (I love bananas!), and as I'm a single monkey to find the perfect woman for me. At the moment, I spend my days surfing dating websites, but haven't had much luck yet.

Wish me luck!

Upset monkey

2007-08-16T02:01:00.000+01:00

Oh dear! I've not been blogging long, and already the political mudslinging has begun. On LibDemVoice.org the blog feeds showed an article which said they thought I was a fake! I was jolly upset by that, I should tell you.

On further investigation, I discovered it had been written by Pink Dog! I was astonished! I thought we could be such good friends, as it's not easy being a political animal, but I was saddened to find that Pink Dog doubts I can type. Ever heard of voice recognition software, my friend (although it does have a lot of difficulties understanding me)?

Thoughts on selecting the London Mayor

2007-08-16T20:52:00.000+01:00

Labour supporters are trying to wreck the selection process for the Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, so I've heard, potentially sabotaging that nice Mr Boris Johnson's chances.

This is terrible. Why can't everyone play nice? I've discovered in politics that everyone likes to be nasty to each other.

On the other hand, if there are likely to be attempts to rig the elections like this by Labour supporters, it could turn London into a banana republic! That wouldn't all be bad, then.

Hmmm, bananas.......

My so-called life

2007-08-17T00:04:00.001+01:00

It has fallen to me to explain my current circumstances, and why I currently am seeking to change them. I live in a tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park in Ludlow, Shropshire, and it's been quite a nice life, but it does tend to be quite a hand to mouth existence. I don't have a job, or rather, I do have a job, but it's a bit irregular.

Since the opening up of the European Union into Eastern Europe, there's been a lot of immigrants from the former Soviet bloc coming over. One of them is a friend of mine who occasionally gives me odd jobs to do, and his name is Vlad Ţepeş. I think he's possibly Hungarian, and I do odd jobs for him.

He's a good lad, is our Vlad, but he does keep odd hours. Like tonight. I've been working a lot for him of late, and he gives me notes to deliver, parcels to take to places. In fact, he's got a couple of monkeys apart from me doing errands, and the joke is that he's trying to do DHL and ParcelForce out of business, with his own MonkeyForce. That's how I managed to save up for this laptop I'm writing this on, and I'm now using it by stealing a stray wireless collection that I think comes from a strange lady who keeps a lot of cats and wears smelly old cardigans down the street. I think she's possibly a novelist, or a Liberal Democrat, although she doesn't wear sandals. Anyway, checking into the router to see what other users/thieves of the unsecured wireless signal are looking for, I see that there's a lot of "pussy" being looked for anyway, so that's why I suspect it's her. Because of her cats.

Anyway, tonight Vlad came round and asked me to take a parcel round to one of his lady friends. I said, yeah, no problem, Vlad me old mate, and off I went, like a monkey after a banana. He used to pay me peanuts, but I renegotiated my understanding with him, and he pays me in cash, has done for a while, that's how I got my laptop. Anyway, I was on my way, and silly me! I tripped, and the package opened and I saw what was inside.

I knew Vlad was into some dodgy stuff, but no questions asked, cash in hand, I was his man (or monkey). But it's medical supplies of some red stuff from down the Ludlow Community Hospital! There was no harm done to the package, so I delivered it to a very foxy chick with a Romanian accent who gave me a twenty pound note as a tip, so that's me sorted for the weekend. What's more she had a fit sister too who looked the same, maybe twins? But they spurned my advances, however, saying they had some studying to do. To prove it, they showed me a copy of Teach Yourself Estonian and How to recover from surgery that they had been reading. I got out of there.

I don't know though. My conscience is bugging me. I'm going to have to stop working for Vlad. The Conservatives are the party of enterprise and promise, so I need to find a proper job to fund my future. Membership of the party doesn't come cheap, at 25 quid a pop!

Sweaty Nora's Greasy (s)Poon

2007-08-19T14:31:00.001+01:00

Yesterday morning I decided to treat myself and headed down to the famous local café, Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon. Or rather, Sweaty Noras Greasy poon as it actually is written. She doesn't know how to use the apostrophe and an S fell off the sign.

Sweaty Nora's is a fabulous establishment. I often go there for a bacon sandwich when I have a bit of money, and Nora often does me a banana sandwich for free, because having me sit at the table in the window brings in the customers, so she says. It was my primary source (until I got this laptop) for getting information about the political world. They take The Sun and The Mirror, and they do get The Daily Star and The Daily Sport as well, but those papers are usually stolen by the builders who come in just after opening time for a breakfast. I used to have a subscription to The Spectator, but I cancelled it when the Royal Mail kept having difficulty delivering it. I mean, how difficult is it to deliver it to Wilberforce Monkey, The tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park, Ludlow? All right, I may have forgotten the post code, but...

Anyway, I was in there yesterday, and as a rarity someone had left behind a copy of The Daily Telegraph. I was very saddened to read that Lord Bill Deedes, the infamous journalist and former cabinet member, had died. On the rare moments when a copy of The Telegraph was left behind, I used to enjoy reading the articles from this modest, yet giant of politics. I will miss his writing.

My new friends - links to me

2007-08-19T14:54:00.000+01:00

Checking out Technorati, it seems that I am making friends with my blog. Everyone who links to me, I intend to link back (as long as you are nice). Particular prominence will be given to those who give me bananas.

Of particular interest of recent links here is someone with ther rather odd moniker of "Miserable Old Fart", who suggests Ludlow could be more worthy of the title of the capital of Wales? Hmmm.... In his comments section, there's a comment on Offa's Dyke, the one-time border between England and Wales. To be honest with you, bwt, I always thought Offa's Dyke was a great name for the local massage parlour here in Ludlow....

But if I am making friends in Wales, too, it's time to brush up on my Welsh. What's the Welsh for Tory? Ceidwadwyr? How do you pronounce that?

Wot no bananas?

2007-08-20T01:07:00.000+01:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm one all for localism when it comes to politics, and one of my favourite Tory MPs (I have a scrap book of photos of all my favourites and their election literature), John Penrose in Weston Super Mare is a big proponent of localism, but Sunday evening I had some devastating news.

I was sat in the window of Sweaty Noras Greasy poon [sic] eating my beloved banana sandwiches (two slices of white bread with thick margerine, a sliced banana with a spoonful of sugar dusted over the top) when Nora came over and had a chat.

Ludlow is well known for its 'slow food' movement, buying local, enjoying local food, she said, and that is to be applauded. However, she explained, as she was thinking of switching over to the slow food movement herself in the café, there might be some trouble giving me banana sandwiches in future, as she didn't think she could source them locally. She's going to look into things and get back to me to see if there's some work-around for this problem.

Reader, I'm worried. What will I do without bananas?

The expansion of the EU and job hunting

2007-08-20T21:31:00.000+01:00

Vlad came round again last night, and we got talking about the European Union, and particularly the expansion of the EU. He welcomed Romania joining the EU, as well as Bulgaria, and we chatted about other states joining. He thought Moldova was a long way off joining though until it solved the problems of the separatist Transnistria region. I mentioned that I was undecided about Turkey joining the EU, and that's when it all went bad. Vlad went nuts. "Those accursed Ottomans," he yelled, "The blood that flows in these veins shall never forget even if I go on forever! The blood is the life! They who stole the Hagia Sophia and beat at the very gates of Vienna; we can never let them into Europe again!" He ran off screaming through the streets of Ludlow about avenging his people, and I felt quite scared.

I backed off at that point, and I decided there and then that I would work for Vlad no more. I checked how much money I had, just over ten pounds after my bacon sandwiches over the weekend (and as a treat my free banana sandwiches) at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon. So I got on the Internet and searched for jobs, as I may have only ten quid, but I need another fifteen quid to join the Tory Party. I found that I was not the only monkey looking for a job; in Mesa, Arizona in the USA, they have been looking to employ a monkey for the SWAT team. It's not bad wages, $100,000. Maybe the local police force are recruiting?

I phoned up the West Mercia Constabulary and got through to their non-emergency call centre in Worcester. After being passed around, I finally got through to HR, and made enquiries about joining up. For some reason they didn't quite believe that I would be wanting to join. They also probed my past, about when I was on the inside, before I escaped from the zoo, and I answered all questions truthfully; it would only come back to haunt me if I didn't. They were only recruiting police dogs at the moment, but I could be taken on as a force mascot. I asked about the pay, and they laughed and said it would be peanuts. They then hung up!

I was rather upset by this indignity, so I guess I won't be joining the police just yet. I could have made a great copper, it would have been an arresting sight! But I still have a great respect for the police, even though they didn't take me seriously. After all, David Davies MP is a special constable, and a jolly good one at that!

Tories and holidays

2007-08-21T12:20:00.000+01:00

I know I'm looking for a job, preferably with good pay, bananas, prospects and an understanding for Conservatism, but like everyone, I would look forward to a day off when I finally get a decent job. There have been whispers that the Conservatives may look at introducing three new bank holidays, and I welcome this, although the policy forum hasn't published its findings yet.

So without further ado, here are my suggestions for three new bank holidays:

Winston Churchill Day: (date to be decided) why not honour the great man?

National holiday: England and St George's Day, Scotland and St David's Day, Wales and St Andrew's Day. (Northern Ireland has St Patrick's Day off already)

Banana Day: (date to be decided) Let us honour the greatest fruit God has ever given us.

David Cameron, I hope you are reading this.

Addendum: I've just been informed I got Wales' and Scotland's patron saints the wrong way round. What do you expect from a good British education, where Wikipedia is seen as the ultimate authority? I've got thirteen MCSEs (Monkey Certificate of Secondary Education).

Monkey with a blue rosette online 24/7?

2007-08-21T18:11:00.001+01:00

One of the first requirements these days of any Tory is some form of connection to the Internet, followed by a website. This blog serves as the second, but I still have difficulty with the first. As previously mentioned, I have a laptop, but not broadband. BT refuse to connect my tree to the net, so I'm stuck stealing bandwidth of a local unsecured wireless connection. It is immensely difficult sometimes, when the signal weakens in the middle of downloading a large picture of Mrs Margaret Thatcher from the Thatcher Foundation website and cuts out, causing me to hang on to the tips of the slenderest branches with my laptop in my paws, just so I can reconnect.

But it seems my problems will soon be solved, as Ludlow is to go online! As everyone knows, the Ludlow and Tenbury Wells Advertiser is a wonderful source of local information, and they reported today that the Chamber of Trade is looking into ways to blanket the town with broadband wireless.

Bring it on! Monkey with a blue rosette online, 24/7! Until, then, it's back to the books.

Monkey with a blue rosette goes to work, watches football

2007-08-23T01:58:00.000+01:00

Off to work I went. I arrived at Perspiration Betty's and immediately regretted it. When she asked about the bananas, I said I'd forgotten them (I'd actually eaten them on the way). Perspiration Betty showed me into a room with a phone and a bed, and told me to make myself comfortable. I was so excited, my first proper job, that I even got my photo taken before I started! Perspiration Betty then explained the job to me. I was to be an operator for an adult chat line! I couldn't last the course. My first call came through, and as I started to read from my script that I was "a naughty monkey", I just hung up on the caller. Perspiration Betty was furious. I said that I was a serious monkey with a blue rosette, with genuine political career aspirations, and it would only do me harm within the Conservative Party to continue working there another moment, so I left immediately. I didn't get paid.

Ah well, I'm off to the agencies tomorrow. I went round my mate Johan's place after quitting the job; he's a German football, and he'd TIVOed the football game from earlier. As you probably know, England lost. Look at the smug git grinning! I'm feeling even more down now. Will I ever get a decent job?

Book review

2007-08-26T00:07:00.000+01:00

I didn't blog yesterday as I found a fifty pound note on the floor in the car park, then to celebrate had a shot of banana flavoured vodka. It went straight to my head, and instead of saving £25 for my Tory party membership fee, I went on a twenty-four hour booze-up with Johan and Sweaty Nora around the pubs of Ludlow, and got so drunk that we somehow we ended up in Great Yarmouth and none of us remember how. Perspiration Betty came over in her car after a drunken text message and picked us up, and has now forgiven me for walking out on her the other day. I am a naughty little monkey!

To make up for it, and get back torying, I went shopping and spent the last of my money on The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze, edited by Iain Dale and Guido Fawkes, in order to improve my Tory education. It's a great book, a compilation of brilliant blog posts during Blair's reign of fire, and it's really entertaining. It brought back memories, and certainly will give me some reading fodder for the next few days as I reread it, as well as when I check out the various blogs of the writers contained within. I heartily recommend it.

Off to the Shropshire coast

2007-08-26T22:47:00.000+01:00

I've been arguing with Johan, Sweaty Nora and Perspiration Betty. We've been talking about Europe and they think that Wales has been abolished by the European Union. They base this rather foolish idea on a document and map that was published in 2004 by the European Union which showed Wales as, well, quite simply not there. As it's Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow, we're off to the Shropshire coast to discover if Wales still exists. I've got a ten pound bet and a banana sandwich riding on on this. I'll be back soon.

Love in Wales

2007-09-02T13:11:00.000+01:00

I apologise for not blogging recently, but there is a good reason. Johan, Perspiration Betty, Sweaty Nora and I headed off to the Shropshire coast, only to find some mountains in between the sea and the edge of Shropshire. Perspiration Betty's SatNav still showed us as being in Shropshire for a while though, and I thought I was going to lose the bet, but finally it flicked over to showing us in Aber-wrist-watch (or something like that) on the coast. We proceeded to celebrate the existence of Wales, and it was whilst out on the town/village, I met the most beautiful monkey I have ever seen. Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. She had yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there, know what I mean! She was there with her friends, and it was a whirlwind romance, doing things that unwed monkeys shouldn't, and we decided to stay a few days on; but it was not to be.

I was approaching asking her to elope with me to Gretna Green, but she then dropped the bombshell. She was there on her hen-do, and I was her final fling! I should have guessed by her clothing, wearing a hen outfit from Ann Summers. I felt used. We parted amicably, but I swore never to be hurt again.

We headed back to Shropshire, where I decided I needed a sole focus in life: I vowed to dedicate my life to the Conservative cause, and would not rest until David Cameron was Prime Minister.

Conservative Political Opinions

2007-09-02T15:52:00.001+01:00

I've just found out that I've been added to the blogrolls in Political Opinions. Very nice! The only problem is I'm listed as a commentator.

I don't know why they've made this mistake. I'm curious why they've listed me as such, because I'd like to state clearly for the record my political stance and goals: I am a full supporter of the Conservative Party, currently investigating membership. When a full member, I plan to apply to stand for election as soon as possible - I'm sure there's a consituency out there for me? It is my personal goal in the next General Election to be elected as the first Tory monkey in Parliament.

And I think David Cameron is great!

Missing Arnold Schwartzenegger

2007-09-03T20:17:00.000+01:00

I'm most upset that dear Arnold is not going to the Conservative Party Conference. I planned to go, but I sadly don't think I will attend, as I now won't be seeing my old friend again. We worked together in 1987 on the set of the film Predator, where I played the eponymous monster. I was chosen for the role because of my flexibility, particularly amongst the trees. I've done quite a bit of movie work since then. Arnie's probably busy saving the world again, that's why he can't go.

Oh, the fun we had! In fact, it was through our discussions over the lunchtime lasagne (I hate lasagne! The only fruit baskets on set were in Arnie's trailer, but he used to give me bananas) that Arnie first got interested in politics. He was so impressed by my political opinions, even though I hadn't declared my love for the Conservative Party yet (I outed myself in 2005), that he later stated privately in correspondence with me that I was his political inspiration for getting involved in politics. He's now Governor of California, so you can't say my advice was wrong! We've remained in touch ever since, but haven't seen each other since then.

Official Statement in light of Michael Ancram's comments

2007-09-04T20:10:00.000+01:00

I must now make an official statement in light of Michael Ancram QC's comments recently.

I am not related to David Cameron.

The reasons for this statement are quite clear: after becoming aware of Ancram's statements about trashing the Thatcherite past, David Cameron was heard in disbelief to exclaim: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! This is particularly poignant as Stephen Dorrell has said that Cameron is building on Thatcher's legacy.

Since Cameron's throwaway remark, I have been hounded all day by journalists, particulary by journalists from The Independent and The Guardian. So for once and for all, let me make it clear, David Cameron is related to me only by common political belief, and shares no familial link with me.

For the record, here's a picture of me with my Uncle Lester.

Joining the party at last

2007-09-04T22:43:00.000+01:00

Latest news: I just had an e-mail from London, and I've been invited to an interview tomorrow at Conservative Party HQ in Victoria Street, Westminster. They've been so impressed by this blog that they're giving me special dispensation, waiving the membership fee, and want to interview me for A-List candidacy! I was astonished, but already my political career is taking off.

The only problem is I just started my new job at a call centre here in Ludlow on Monday. An agency lined it up for me. I do like my job, working for a well known directory enquiries firm that have just set up a branch here in Ludlow, but it's only my third day I'll have to pull a sickie. Ah well, I did vow to dedicate my life to the Conservative cause. Here's a photo of me at work!

Westminster or Bust!

2007-09-05T21:26:00.000+01:00

Getting to Conservative Central Office is a task in itself. Although the Smithfield car park where I live is quite near the railway line, it's a bit of a walk to the station itself. And then getting to London....Trains from Ludlow to London are not easy to catch. First you must trek to Shrewsbury, change then head over to Birmingham New Street, change then catch the Silverlink service or Virgin train down to London Euston. The alternative is to travel down to Hereford, and hope trains are running down into London Paddington. In the end, I opted for a very early start via Shrewsbury and Birmingham. It was slightly cheaper to go to London Marylebone from Birmingham Moor Street instead, so I did that.

Ah, London! How I love the town. My appointment at CCHQ was at 3pm, and I'm going to be staying in London for a few days. It's unusual, they said, to have potential A-List candidates coming forward this late in the political cycle, but after Ali Miraj fell from grace, a spot came up.

I nearly didn't make the appointment though. The London Underground had major problems caused by striking unions. How I love Margaret Thatcher for the way she stood up to the unions in the 1980s. What we need is a Tory leader like David Cameron who can carry on the way she did. (Is that OK, Central Office, to prove I'm not an Ancramite?)

Anyway, you'll be wanting to know how I got on. Well, it's only the first day. I did some tests first, some psychological profiling, to ensure I'm not nuts, although they say if you want to be involved in politics, you must be! From the results of one of the tests, I have the sort of character where I get upset if people don't park in spaces properly in car parks. Living in a tree above a car park, I can't say I'm all that bothered, but I nodded sagely and replied that it must mean I have an eye for detail when it comes to local issues.

They're going to give me some more tests tomorrow, give a few speeches, do some mock press interviews, and an odd one where I have to speak for three minutes authoratively on a topic I know nothing about. This is a vital skill in politics, aparently. I'm back at the hotel now, just logging on to let you all know I'm fine and living it up in London.

I'll have to go in a few minutes. I've been invited out for a few drinks by the Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Hooting constituency in South London, well known for its large owl population. His name is Mark Rhymes, and like me, is not a human. He's a secretary bird, which no doubt will appeal to the local bird population. He's also nominally the Chairman of the Conservative Bestiary, although the organisation is doing very little nationally at the moment.

Hangover in Westminster

2007-09-06T20:05:00.000+01:00

I don't remember what happened last night. I don't remember if Mark Rhymes stayed out too late either. I found him to be a very slick and savvy. Quite a people person, very persuasive, a smooth talker. His words slide around you like the beer slid down my throat last night. Ah, beer. How I love you, yet how treacherous you are! All I know is that about 4am, I woke up back in my hotel room, with my mouth tasting like carpet. I'm still trying to put together what happened.

I got up a few hours later and went downstairs for breakfast, after a quick call in to work to call in sick again. I spoke to the call flow department, who deal with that sort of thing. They moaned about how there were a number of people calling in sick today. It seems the call centre industry, particularly in the directory enquiries subsector, has a lot of problems with staff retention and attendance, but I was pulling a genuine sickie this time, the hangover saw to that. I downed a gallon of coffee, put on my sunglasses and headed back to Tory HQ for another day of induction for A-List candidates.

It started well; and by lunchtime I felt assured of success. We headed over to the Houses of Parliament for lunch. I got my lunch (I was going to have a fry up to get over the hangover, but I felt sick, so had a banana fruit salad instead), and as we were queuing up to pay, an elderly and seemingly doddery and senile man was arguing with the cashier over the price of a cup of tea. He kept trying to pay one penny more. "That's Ming Campbell, leader of the Liberal Democrats," my Conservative colleague whispered to me. "This is where he's been hiding out all summer. Poor chap, he's had nowhere else to go. All on his own. He hasn't said a thing for months until just now."

The argument continued, until Ming finally lost it. "Do you know who I am?" he shouted.

"No," replied the cashier, quick as a flash, "and neither do the rest of the country!"

Nice retort. Oh, how I laughed. I would say the old ones are the best, but that's not true in Ming Campbell's case.

The afternoon went well, and I have to tell you, it was brilliant! And the best bit? I am now an A-List candidate! Must go now, I've been invited the Miss Tory T-Shirt competition hosted by the London West Conservative Bestiary tonight as a judge.

And the winner is....

2007-09-07T00:16:00.000+01:00

My congratulations to the winner of the Miss Tory T-Shirt competition tonight, namely Ms Bernice Alice-Jan Giblets, where I was a guest judge. It was hosted in the Opallo in Spannersmith, W6, by the West London Conservative Bestiary.

Leaving London

2007-09-08T09:52:00.000+01:00

Friday was a final day of training in Conservative Central Office, or CCHQ as we insiders call it, before heading back home. About five minutes before the end, who should pop in? Only David Cameron himself! He spent a few moments with me, talking about the importance of renewal in the party, and was glad to have such members from diverse backgrounds, including me, a monkey! Unfortunately, he was off to make a speech somewhere so didn't have time to take a picture.

I headed over to London Euston, my confidence boosted. I decided it was time to ride home in style, so I caught the Virgin train back to Birmingham, first class!

I won't be online for a few days, as I'm watching the rugby. Toodle-pip!

Stating the obvious

2007-09-17T22:42:00.000+01:00

Ah, the glorious Liberal Democrats, celebrating their silliness by stating the flippin' obvious at their party blogging awards:

"The Liberal Democrat blogging community is very much a community," said award winner James Graham.

Um, yes. What else would a community be, but a community? It is implied in the first usage of the word community.

Now you'll have to excuse me for stating the obvious, but this blog is bananas....

Interspecies voters conference

2007-09-17T22:49:00.000+01:00

I was invited to give a speech yesterday at an interspecies conference about getting out the bestial vote. The audience was composed of more than fifty percent birds, which supports the recently published academic observation that birds are more politically astute. There were various speakers from different parties, including a socialist ferret, myself representing the conservative point of view, a pigeon from the Liberal Democrats and a Jack Russell from UKIP.

The socialist ferret gave a speech about all sections of the society (particularly the underprivileged) participating in voting, citing successes in local council elections such as in Birmingham where pets had controversially got the vote thanks to Labour. My speech went well, on the importance of democracy and voter participation amongst first time animal voters, but shortly after chaos broke out.

The Jack Russell from UKIP was rather twitchy and nervous, and kept snapping at things that weren't there, and fell off the platform as he started on about referenda for various European issues. Poor thing, he collapsed half way through and had to go and lie down. The Lib Dem pigeon got into a bit of a flap about this, forgot what he was saying, then flew about the hall pooping on attendees' heads.

Everyone exited the hall, to find that someone had scattered bread outside and the birds lost it and went wild, particularly the swans. This was part of the intended buffet for afterwards. What had been a successful event was spoiled by careless catering and UKIP. I picked up a hand of bananas and went home.

Defection rumours are FALSE

2007-09-30T13:57:00.000+01:00

There have been rumours of a high profile conservative defecting to Labour during next week's conference. I have been directly approached to ask if it is me.

Categorically I would like to state for the record that this is something I would not consider. I am the Monkey with a BLUE rosette, and no other colour. I'm a conservative monkey.

Furthermore, I won't be going to conference, as my bosses won't let me have time off work. The directory enquiries company talks about having a great outlook for work/life balance, but I've found out the hard way in this call centre that the work/life balance thing only counts if you live to work! I've only just managed to pursuade them to allow me a single day off so I can go to Yorkshire for a selection meeting on Tuesday. An e-mail from a senior party official has stated my attendance at conference is mandatory as a high profile candidate, but unfortunately, I won't be there.

So regardless of my conflict with the seniors in the party at the moment, I won't EVER be voting or supporting Labour!