Monkey with a blue rosette

I am NOT dead

2008-07-15T00:29:00.006+01:00

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not dead. I'm only having a bit of trouble with my passport. My movements are restricted. I no longer have the ability to travel as freely as I would like.

I had to fake my death in order to comply with an important project, the details of which I cannot reveal at the moment. I will be returning to England soon, as I'm abroad (where, I cannot say, as that's classified). On my return, I will explain (if I get permission) why I had to fake my own death, what I've been doing and my future as the number one commentator on Conservative beastiality!

I will also be blogging about how I'm going to kick my local Tory team's arses for spreading I was dead via this blog!

Now, does anyone know the North Korean word for bribe?

Goodbye Will. RIP.

2008-05-02T17:18:00.009+01:00

Councillor Wilberforce (Will) Monk, the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette, has sadly died after being killed by a Labour Party rival. An incident occured only moments after Monkey realised his lifetime's goal of being elected into office. In the accident, his defeated opponent ran the Monkey over within minutes of Monkey being declared winner. Police are now holding the Labour opponent for questioning by MI5, as the Labour opponent was found in possession of a North Korean passport and several questionable documents from Pyongyang. It seems North Korean agents got to the Monkey in the end. Will was particularly afraid of North Koreans. Will Monk was kidnapped last year by Pyongyang agents.

This signifies the end of a bright, vibrant animal who had a promising political career ahead of him, and also the end of this blog.

Our condolences to his family and supporters. To honour the Monkey, we have put together the following farewell video, with the help of Johan, who supplied us with the photos.

Goodbye, Will. You will be missed.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives.

Monkey critically injured

2008-05-02T13:06:00.005+01:00

After leaving the count last night in search of champagne, Will Monk (the infamous Monkey with a Blue Rosette) was hit by a car driven by a bitter Labour party rival. He has been critically injured, and it is not known if he will make it. His family have been contacted, but are unable to make it immediately to the hospital bedside. Johan and Sweaty Nora are at his bedside. In respect for the Monkey, the local café Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon is closed for the day.

It is being currently treated as an accident, but even if the worst comes to the worst, there will be no manslaughter or murder charge, as the Monkey is not a human.

Please remember the Monkey in your thoughts and prayers today.

Smithfield Car Park Conservatives

COUNCILLOR MONKEY!

2008-05-02T03:37:00.006+01:00

I'm live-blogging from the count. The results are in.

I've just been elected Councillor for the Smithfield Car Park ward. A successful Tory candidate, one of many, many Tory candidates celebrating tonight. I'd like to thank every voter who supported me, and my campaign team for their ceaseless assistance. I am now a councillor!

We're waiting for a few more results and then we're going out for an early morning bottle of champagne! Let's get pissed! Then let's get to work for the electorate.

VOTE CONSERVATIVE

2008-04-30T23:50:00.002+01:00

Well, tomorrow is Election Day. I'm standing as candidate in the local council elections, standing in the Smithfield Car Park Ward in Ludlow.

The very best of luck to all Conservative candidates across the UK, especially to my chum Boris Johnson!

And vote Conservative!

Bloody Pikeys

2008-03-18T23:38:00.005Z

At the risk of sounding politically incorrect (ah, bugger it, I'm drunk) I would like to come to the support of my fellow animal Basil Brush.

Basil Brush has come under fire for making a joke about gypsies, and is facing a reprimand by the BBC. Basil is a comedian, and a good pal of mine, and the old fox, although a teller of corny jokes, is a politically astute animal, although he does have a few liberal leanings. He endorsed a recent campaign on Facebook to allow interspecies relationships, but we'll let that pass for now.

I am willing to support him in his battle against the politically incorrect beasts of the BBC. The BBC has to be stopped in their stupid left-wing stance and censorship of my great mate, and allow him to voice legitimate opinions on gypsies and the ~~thieving scrounger~~ traveller community.

Now I have to clean up my room as I've just spilled Stella Artois on the floor.

It was the Monkey wot won it

2008-03-04T19:03:00.005Z

Congratulations to the three candidates that I personally vocally supported during the CF elections, Michael Rock (Chairman), Anastasia Beaumont-Botts (NME Member) and Cllr Steve Ricketts (NME Member). The results are out today.

It would be interesting to speculate whether it was my support that actually swayed the vote. Is my website actually considered influential? I wonder....

Anyway, my congratulations. You truly have some tough tasks ahead of you, if recent debate is anything to go by. Good luck.

Good luck in the CF Elections

2008-03-03T23:57:00.003Z

The very best of luck at the count for the CF Elections for Michael Rock, Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, and Cllr Steven Ricketts.

And yes, I have been approached to run for CF NME or Chair next year. However, given that I'm currently looking for a constituency to run in, my focus is on that, so sorry to break it to my loyal readers, but I have no plans to run next year.

Besides, with Johan so publically disgraced as my campaign manager, at the moment I'd probably have to ask Vlad to come back and join my campaign team if I did run for CF, and to be honest, nice chap that the Romanian immigrant is, he sort of scares me. I took a photo of me with him this evening, as we went for a game of poker after hours round at Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon, and this was the result.... I only asked him to smile!

Problems with the CF Elections

2008-03-02T22:59:00.005Z

Apparently they've now delayed the result of the CF Elections another day. No actual reason why posted on the CF website at the moment. I'm worried, as I did have the greatest faith in the Conservative Central office, but now this has happened, with no real justifiable explanation that I can see. I am now rapidly losing faith in the CF election process, and I was probably one of those who kept the faith longest, as a true blue. I reckon now that the CF National Organiser couldn't organise a cock-up in an orgy, never mind an orgy in a whore house.

Fuck this, I'm going to get pissed with Sweaty Nora and Johan. Beer always restores my faith in democracy.

CF = Conservative Future? CF = Count Fudge-up, more like.

Monkey votes

2008-02-29T23:05:00.003Z

Well, I admit it, I've been on the pop again. But never mind all that. Earlier on in the week, I got around to filling in my ballot paper for voting in the Conservative Future elections. This is me with my ballot paper! I was getting pissed at the time, however, so the picture is not a great one.

Monkey slogan

2008-02-25T23:09:00.002Z

You've Got Questions. We've Got Monkey With A Blue Rosette.

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Thanks to Theo Spark for pointing this out.

Back in the South West

2008-02-25T18:13:00.004Z

I look forward to returning to the South West of this beautiful country of ours, England, within the next couple of weeks, as I have got word they are selecting for the West Country seat of Wurzelton. Since being deselected for Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, I have been looking around for a seat where I can bring my true blue monkey potential.

Wurzelton is a very historic city in the South West and the constituency encompasses some historic small market-towns and villages as well, including Midsomer Badger, and has been a seat of some political interest in the past few years. If selected, I would ensure that the seat returns to the Conservative representation it deserves.

You may think it's bananas, but I look forward to returning to the South West. Down my local cafe, Sweaty Nora's Greasy Poon (sic; it should be a greasy spoon, but the S fell off the sign), I had a chat with Perspiration Betty, Nora's sister. She was expressing concerns at me returning to frontline politics. I suffered some exhaustion as the candidate for Barmpotsby. I reassured her: Wurzelton is closer than Barmpotsby in Yorkshire, and I'd still return to her greasy poon regularly!

CF Election

2008-02-21T00:08:00.004Z

As previously stated, I'm declining to comment on the CF elections at this point due to the volatile turn of events that has occurred. All I will say is that I am supporting the following candidates, having found them worthy of my support:

MICHAEL ROCK
ANASTASIA BEAUMONT-BOTT
STEVEN RICKETTS

I shall say no more on the subject for now.

Good luck.

CF Election hustings in Bristol 3

2008-02-21T00:01:00.006Z

I would particularly like to thank John Moorcraft for his assistance in arranging my security at the event. I stayed with him for a couple of days and enjoyed a beer and a long chat or two with him, although I must say that the facilities he provided for my security and transportation from his house back to Ludlow left much to be desired.

That's the last time I ever travel by ParcelForce! Thank you for your hospitality, and f*** you for the piss-poor travel arrangements, John. There's only one thing to say in your favour, and that's that I met no North Koreans during the event. North Koreans scare me.

CF Election hustings in Bristol 2

2008-02-20T23:58:00.004Z

Here's me with their local chairman of CF, Nick Webb (above), and his deputy, Laura (below). My thanks to them for hosting the event.

CF Election hustings in Bristol

2008-02-20T22:51:00.002Z

Oh well, my agent has advised me to keep my opinions on the electoral process in light of the recent debate of the CF elections, that's why I have not blogged for a while.

I enjoyed a jolly nice day, as I hope you can see from this photo of me outside the venue:

Good morning Bristol!

2008-01-27T08:27:00.000Z

Ah, this is exciting. I'm off to the CF hustings today, to see how it goes. The only problem is I have laryngitis, so won't be able to speak! Argh!

Anyway, here's a photo I took of me this morning outside my hotel, the Brigstow, overlooking the elegant Bristol harbour. It's a pricy hotel, but well worth it. They have a boat outside with a restaurant on it as well!

Bad news, good news

2008-01-26T17:47:00.000Z

Unfortunately, it is with great regret that I have by mutual consent of both myself and the Constituency Association withdrawn from being the PPC of Barmpotsby. I am now without a constituency.

Good news though: I've just arrived in Bristol for attending and watching the CF hustings! Here's a picture of me at Temple Meads train station. See you all tomorrow!

Please ignore a certain Sunday tabloid

2008-01-06T15:02:00.000Z

As a political figure, there are always skeletons in people's cupboards. It's perhaps fortunate that they've come out early in my career, clear the air, so to speak. I hope this won't jeopardise my future political career.

I reproduce one of the photos from the newspaper so you can see what I mean. I won't grace the offending newspaper with a link, as it is hardly one of my favourites, and may even be out to destroy my reputation in the name of sales. There's no point denying it was me either. I'll just say that many years ago, when I was a jobbing actor, roles were often hard to come by, and I did turn to alternative means to support myself. It is something that I regret immensely, and hoped that those days had been forgotten about.

I would like to thank my family, colleagues and friends for support during this difficult time.

CF politics and future chairman?

2008-01-06T14:54:00.000Z

Let's get this blog back out of the gutter and away from my personal life (I'll be making a statement about that later).

I would like to make clear at this point that I have decided who will be getting support for the Conservative Future elections this year. I fully support Michael Rock. I've even managed to acquire a badge which says so! Go Michael! If you are a CF member, join the Facebook group!

Monkey admits scandal

2008-01-04T21:12:00.001Z

Ladies and gentlemonkeys, I am sorry to admit that yes, I have been found out. By The Telegraph, of all papers. My thanks to ThunderDragon for making me aware of this.

Let's get this out of the way. The article in The Telegraph is correct. I have paid for sex, and rather than go through the rigmarole of going through trial by media in depth, I've decided to admit it straight away, get it out the way, and move on with my life. I am happy to report that The Telegraph has got some details wrong however. Sex only 3.5 times an hour? I am far more virile than that....

Happy New Year!

2008-01-04T20:53:00.000Z

My thanks to everyone who came along to the Barmpotsby Conservatives pub crawl on the 31st December. It was well attended, even by dignitaries from across the region. It would be wrong of me to divulge what a certain senior member of the party told me of goings on in Westminster, but needless to say, it brings a whole new meaning to "order, order"!

I am quite looking forward to attending the CF hustings in Bristol later this month, but as it is somewhere new for me, I was quite worried about security. However, Nick Webb, the organiser, has confirmed that no North Koreans are expected to attend, so my worries have been abated. I have received private correspondence from Nick Webb which says "I will seek to ensure that your security is well maintained, it is taking place in one of the nicer parts of Bristol."

So thank you Mr Webb. I look forward to meeting you.

Animal escapes from zoo

2007-12-26T18:00:00.000Z

I read in this morning's Telegraph that in San Francisco, a tiger escaped from the zoo and killed someone. My sympathies go to the victim's family, but it is the tiger I wish to discuss at this stage.

Damn those tigers, giving other members of the animal kingdom a bad name. Like the tiger, I am also an escaped animal, but upon leaving the zoo under my own steam, I employed a bit of common sense and laid low for a while. Maybe, for any other animals reading this blog, you might like to give common sense a go after escaping from the zoo, and not attack humans (not even if they are active members of the Liberal Democrats)?

Merry Monkeyin' Christmas....

2007-12-26T15:44:00.000Z

What did my beloved readers get this season? Do let the Monkey with a Blue Rosette know if you had a good holiday. I say holiday, as I'm not allowed to mention Christmas; as you all know, I work at a directory enquiries call centre when not being political, and it fell to me to work the December 25 shift. Now I'd taken a few days off to go campaigning in Barmpotsby before the festive period, and then went on the booze cruise to Calais with the Barmpotsby Conservative Constituency Association. When I returned to work on 25 December, I became aware of the new company rules.

My boss had been monitoring one of my calls, and I had wished the caller a "Merry Christmas". I was pulled aside and warned that if I said it again, I would be up on a disciplinary, because of the new rules. "What new rules?" I said. The new rules that we weren't to mention Christmas to callers, in case we offended them if they were not Christian. How can we offend them? I asked. I know people of different religions who celebrate Christmas, not because of believing in Christ, but rather enjoying the holiday as a chance for love, caring, thinking of others and being with family. Ah, my boss said, but someone of a different religion might get offended and we don't want to take that risk.

I had been unaware of the rules. The only advise my boss could give regarding that was to ensure I remained in contact with work on my days to be aware of any updates. If we must insist on greeting them, we must use the politically neutral "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays". Blimey.

Later that day, when a caller was ringing in to get the Vodafone helpline to activate a new phone she'd received for Christmas, it slipped my mind and I wished the caller a "Happy Christmas". My boss overheard this, and now I'm on a warning after my disciplinary meeting today. This is political correctness gone mad, I said, but it didn't help. I am but a phone monkey in a call centre.

So, let me take this opportunity to advise one and all via my blog that I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS, whichever section of society you belong to, and whether or not you choose to celebrate Christmas.

Back from France

2007-12-24T20:53:00.000Z

Ah, to be a monkey on the booze-cruise in France, what a weekend I've just had! A great time was had by all, and we all have enough beer and wine and spirits to last us a couple of days at least.

There were a few problems, not least of which with Vlad, our driver. His visa seemed to be a little out-of-date, but it was sorted in time for him to drive the bus back at nightfall. Not many photos, I'm afraid, but here's a couple of the ones I did take.

Forthcoming Events

2007-12-16T14:19:00.000Z

I attended the EGM of the Barmpotsby Constituency Conservative Association in Yorkshire earlier this week, and there was some heated debate over the conduct of Johan, as previously mentioned, but the result of the meeting was that it should be left alone for now; we'll move forward.

I now have a couple of things to look forward to, not least of which is Christmas. Vlad, the nocturnal Romanian immigrant and my chum from Ludlow, will be driving the rented minibus for us through the night next weekend down to Dover so we can get the boat over to Calais, for the Barmpotsby Constituency booze cruise; nothing political about it, and probably against party rules, but we don't give a monkeys (except me, as THE monkey!), and it's just a good chance to have a nice day out with like-minded people to fuel up for Christmas.

Don't forget, campaign Saturdays are every Saturday (except next Saturday of course, because we'll be in France!), meeting at 10am outside the Ferret and Trouserleg in Upper Barmpotsby. Let's get another ten thousand leaflets out before the year ends!

Coming up at the end of January, I will also be attending a meeting in my capacity as PPC for Barmpotsby, a meeting to be held in Bristol, organised by Nick Webb; it's a bit of a trek from Barmpotsby, so I'll probably be getting the train down from Ludlow instead. It's a Conservative Future Election Discussion, to be chaired by the blogger John Moorcraft. I occasionally read his blog, but I have to say it's rather dry, especially now he seems to be doing an Iain Dale and just using his blog as an advertising vehicle, constantly harping on about his soon to be published book that he's written. No doubt it will be a good read though, so I can forgive him for that.

Gillian Gibbons - a clarification

2007-12-05T21:33:00.000Z

Last weekend, in Barmpotsby, Yorkshire, one of my campaign team, Johan, made a comment about the case of the teacher Gillian Gibbons, who was jailed in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. Whilst helping me canvassing, he spoke about the case and said to a voter on the doorstep: "It's the first time that anyone's ever called for the early release of a Scouser from prison."

This obviously did not go down well with either the voter, or myself, and overhearing this, I immediately reprimanded Johan. It furthermore did not go down well with the people of Barmpotsby, as the local press, the Barmpot Mercury got word and printed a less than complimentary article.

I would like to disassociate myself completely with Johan's comments, and will be doing so when I meet with the consituency association for an Emergency General Meeting next Tuesday. Johan has since resigned his membership of the party.

Monkey update

2007-11-11T15:45:00.001Z

My apologies for not blogging recently. I've delivered over twenty thousand leaflets in a week by myself, and am still working hard to fight Barmpotsby. I'll keep you updated.

Happy Hallowe'en!

2007-10-31T22:59:00.000Z

I went down the pub this evening with a couple of mates to enjoy Hallowe'en, and I'm proud to say that my mate, Ted, won the fancy dress competition! He was dressed as a mad monk. Here's a picture of me with him.

Pinkie and Dave

2007-10-30T01:21:00.000Z

I've been asked to look at Conservative Party policy and do a presentation to senior members of the Party sometime next month (hush hush, top secret when and where!) on the future of Conservative Party policy.

This has come at a most inconvenient time as I've just moved into the spare room of a local couple here in Ludlow, and still have my various resources packed into boxes. My hosts are a young couple, called Pinkie and Dave. Dave is a mobile sales trainer for a well known company and I can't quite work out what he does, but I think he drives around the country to various branches of the store (I got that bit right; I've seen his travel allowance cheques!), where (I think) he teaches people how to stack shelves.

Pinkie is on maternity leave, having recently given birth to their first child, is from the Far East, and has a psotgraduate degree in nursing, whereas Dave has a Level 2 NVQ in retail display. I've been living with them for a little while now a token effort to give him a qualification., and I've only ever seen them argue once, over their qualifications, in fact. He reckons that his qualification has more value as it's equivalent to a degree (although a quick phone call to Connexions, the careers advise people, proved him wrong; it barely has equivalence to a GCSE), and it's from the UK, rubbishing Pinkie's long years of study and training in one fell swoop. It seems he was sold the idea of doing an NVQ on the grounds that it apparently has a lot of value in the workplace. It seems the NVQ assessors 'bigged it up' to him far more than it was actually worth....

Maybe I should speak when I talk on policy about addressing New Labour's disastrous education policies, giving false hopes, how it's failing the people? Mind you, Dave seems to be doing all right out of it, with his travel expenses cheques.

It wasn't me - CF elections ahead

2007-10-24T02:44:00.000+01:00

Conservative Future certainly is hotting up for their elections, to be held, sometime... before the Second Coming of Christ, I hope? I fear their incumbent Chairman, Mark Clark, will be 31 before the next elections are held.

Now someone's all secret-hush-hush launching a campaign video, but without mentioning who they actually are.... its one way to draw attention to oneself, I suppose.

But those young scallywags of Conservative Future, eh? They reckon it's me (or at least Nick Webb, the CF chairman for Gloucestershire, does)! I don't have time for getting involved too much with the workings of CF myself. I'm too busy campaiging in Barmpotsby as PPC; that's where I've been for the past few days, and that's why I haven't blogged for a while. If I was going to run for something, I'd run openly, under my own name, not under some hidden net name or some made-up joke character.

Campbell resigns!

2007-10-15T21:26:00.000+01:00

Ming Campbell has resigned as Lib Dem leader.

Dearie me! What will the Lib Dems do?

There's only one thing for it - join the LEMBIT ÖPIK MP FOR LIB DEM LEADER! group on Facebook that I created. Lembit has been invited to join the group.

It is the first and original group on Facebook supporting Lembit Öpik as a potential brilliant leader of the Lib Dems following the resignation, 15 October 2007, of Ming Campbell, now former leader of the Lib Dems.

This group is unofficial (at the moment), unless Lembit is interested in getting involved.... What do you say Lembit? Up for it?

UPDATE: We already have more members than the John Hemming for Lib Dem Leader! and Campaign to elect Magnus Dundas as Lib Dem leader groups. Lembit can sure kick his opponents' bottoms!

Fixed Term Parliaments - I like it!

2007-10-14T11:12:00.000+01:00

That nice Mr. Iain Dale has launched a new website calling for fixed term parliaments. Good on you Iain!

I agree 100% with having a fixed term parliament. It's vital for candidates like me to know these things, particularly when you don't have a supportive employer who will necessarily give you time off when needed... at all. Being able to plan ahead would be better.

So go for it! Support fixed term parliaments!

Flat hunting and magpies

2007-10-12T15:11:00.001+01:00

I'm currently looking for a flat in the Ludlow area, as the police have recommended for my own safety that I get an alternative residence to my current tree. I've got the day off, and going back to work next week, so I'll keep you posted as and when I find anything. At the moment, I'm dossing round at Johan's place, surfing the net and catching up with all the political news.

That Chancellor bloke, eh? They're calling him Magpie, now, so it seems. Alistair, it just won't work. Getting called a magpie won't necessarily make you a magpie. The only way you're going to get respect in the animal kingdom is to actually have been born an animal, like me. There are only a select few allowed to be called a real political animal, and Darling, sweetheart, you just ain't one of them.

I know some real magpies too, and they live a couple of trees away. And I tell you, they're just so changeable. You see one hanging around, they're just trouble on their own, you know it's just going to be woe, whereas as two, one's going to be keeping an eye on the other, so I suppose that's good thing.

Laters!

PMQs

2007-10-12T00:31:00.000+01:00

Well done Cameron. Condolences, Gordie.

OWNED. Hat tip to Dizzy.

After watching the video, go sign the petition mentioned by Gordon Brown.

I blame the unions

2007-10-11T22:08:00.000+01:00

Greetings, Will Monkey, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette, is back after a long period of captivity. It's not that I'm not used to captivity, I used to be in a zoo, so it was quite pleasant almost, but the good news is I'm free.

What happened? Left Wing happened. On my way back from Barmpotsby, I was just getting on a the train when suddenly I felt myself lifted and the next thing I knew, I was in a bag and in the boot of a car. It was the Vegetable Shape Man, as Johan called him. I had been captured by a British agent for the North Korean government, for that was what he was. I was held in a cupboard in a house for quite some time, while phone calls were made back and forth between Yorkshire and Pyongyang. It was part of a North Korean plan to undermine the West, by kidnapping a series of high profile right-leaning political people so that socialist and left leaning candidates would be unopposed. They hadn't factored in the Liberal Democrats, but then, they're not generally worth factoring in anyway.

I would have been rescued by PC Pyatt of the North West Riding Constabulary much quicker if it wasn't for the postal unions. A ransom note had been sent, reading "We have your monkey await instructions", via the Royal Mail, but due to the bloody strike, it was of course late coming through. It actually arrived after my release. Early this week, after an angry call from Pyongyang, the Vegetable Shape Man sent a copy via a private courier company, and thanks to that, they were able to trace quickly who had sent it, raid the place, and rescue me and arrest him. So my captivity was prolonged by the Royal Mail being held to ransom by the unions. It was only through competition and capitalism, namely use of a private company, that helped the police find out where I was.

The good thing is, Barmpotsby has been the focus of such media attention since my kidnapping that the constituency is more than likely to go blue in the next general election! It's just a shame I missed chicken Brown and his inability to actually to have some guts and have an election. Gads, I would have blogged the dour sod until he'd had no choice! I would have won easily in Barmpotsby. I'll just have to wait for now....

And I missed Cameron's speech. Ah, if only I had been there. Live blogging was the order of the day, so they say. Maybe next year.... And my thanks to you, all my readers and supporters, who have rallied round during my kidnapping. In the meantime, I've got a plate of bananas to eat: they gave the reward to me!

Reward offered

2007-10-07T13:38:00.000+01:00

This is PC Pyatt, investigating the case of the kidnapped local celebrity in Barmpotsby, Will Monk, who is conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the constituency.

A reward is being offered, pictured below, for information that leads to the successful arrest of the kidnapper of Will Monk, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette.

Due to the unusual nature of this case, we are asking people not to contact the Barmpotsby Police Station direct with information, but rather provide info only via the comments section on this blog.

Clues in the Monkey's dissapearance

2007-10-06T16:15:00.001+01:00

This is PC Pyatt writing from the North West Riding Constabulary. We can confirm it does appear to be a kidnapping case in the dissapearance of Will Monk, popularly known as the Monkey with a Blue Rosette.

Further clues are becoming evident.

Firstly, the monkey's profile on Facebook. He seemed to have briefly got to a computer to update his status on Facebook, and it appears to be a cry for help. He has written on 5th October 2007:

Will Monk
is I don't know where I am. A man took me. I think he's coming back an.

We are looking into this by investigating tracking him down via the ISP.

Secondly, we have produced a better profile picture of the suspect, who has been nicknamed the Vegetable Shape Man. If you have seen him, let us know.

Due to the unusual nature of this case, we are asking people not to contact the Barmpotsby Police Station direct with information, but rather provide info only via the comments section on this blog.

Police are looking for a suspect

2007-10-05T19:15:00.000+01:00

Here is Johan.

I am to announce that Will Monk, the Monkey with a Blue Rosette is formally missing. Police suspect Foul Play. The Police in the North West Riding Yorkshire Constabulary have a Picture of the Suspect put together, whom they to speak want.

It is seeming it is the Vegetable Shape Man. He may be having the Disguises.

Have you seen Monkey?

2007-10-03T22:52:00.000+01:00

I am Johan. I am writing. Ja. Will Monk, my Friend Monkey with a blue Rosette was from Yorkshire gone; he was back to Ludlow here came, but he did not come. He has sent me a Textmessage. He says he is leaving. But he is never come here. I don't know where he is. Have you seen him? He was worried about being followed by a strange Man with a Vegetable-Shape Head. He followed him to Yorkshire. I will call the North West Riding Constabulary.

UPDATING: I have with the Police spoken in North West Riding of Yorkshire. They will look for him. He is local Celebrity in Barmpotsby now.

Johan helps Monkey with a Blue Rosette

2007-10-02T23:43:00.000+01:00

Ja, this is Johan. Monkey with a Blue Rosette is now Candidate, he will surely not blog so much. I start today to help him and takeover the Blog; I give him a big Surprise when he sees this Blog. I do things about Europe. Today I will put a picture of Angela Merkel; she is German Chancellor and is great conservative.

Monkey win!

2007-10-02T23:32:00.000+01:00

Ah ja, here is Johan. Again can I Will Monk's Blog write. He sends to me a Textmessage, he is selected for Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Yorkshire seat of Barmpotsby.

He is very happy. He is now there staying and he returns tomorrow. But he is scared. The strange Man with Vegetable Head follows him. My Monkey Friend is worried.

He also sends me Photomessage. He is catching a train to go to Yorkshire.

Read this Blog! I am called Johan, I can for Will write, and I make this Blog well!

Guestblogger

2007-10-01T22:32:00.000+01:00

Hallo!

Mine Name is Johan, I am German Fußball, and I am Will Monk's Friend since a long Time. When he tomorrow to Yorkshire goes, will I be writing this Blog for him. I am the Guestblogger, ja!

I can good English, therefore will I write, because Will in Yorkshire is.

Read my Words! Like my Blog!

Preparation to go to Yorkshire

2007-10-01T22:08:00.000+01:00

I'm glad to hear that everything is going well at Tory Party Conference, but things aren't going so well here. I've noticed that there's a very strange man following me around; he looks like a familar vegetable, but I can't put my finger on it.... It's got me worried somewhat. I spotted him under my tree earlier, but he didn't see me. I hope I can shake him off before I head to Barmpotsby in Yorkshire tomorrow!

Defection rumours are FALSE

2007-09-30T13:57:00.000+01:00

There have been rumours of a high profile conservative defecting to Labour during next week's conference. I have been directly approached to ask if it is me.

Categorically I would like to state for the record that this is something I would not consider. I am the Monkey with a BLUE rosette, and no other colour. I'm a conservative monkey.

Furthermore, I won't be going to conference, as my bosses won't let me have time off work. The directory enquiries company talks about having a great outlook for work/life balance, but I've found out the hard way in this call centre that the work/life balance thing only counts if you live to work! I've only just managed to pursuade them to allow me a single day off so I can go to Yorkshire for a selection meeting on Tuesday. An e-mail from a senior party official has stated my attendance at conference is mandatory as a high profile candidate, but unfortunately, I won't be there.

So regardless of my conflict with the seniors in the party at the moment, I won't EVER be voting or supporting Labour!

First political memory

2007-09-29T14:58:00.000+01:00

I hope this comes out as the laptop screen is mostly flashing on and off, going multicoloured and displaying strange pop-ups from websites I'm sure I haven't visited. It's either the damage caused by Pink Dog's website alone, or it's a result of that combined with me lending my computer to Sweaty Nora the other day in exchange for a week's bacon sandwiches, although I don't know what sites she visited. I still get my banana sandwiches for free there though, although they do taste a bit funny now.

Anyway, it appears I have been 'tagged'. No, I don't have an ASBO, but rather tagged in something called a meme by David Jones MP, and Daily Referendum. I'm still new to this blogging, so I'll give it a go.

The meme is to relate to the readers one's first political memory.

Well, it was the early 1980s, and I was but a young monkey. I'd been reading the newspapers left behind by the keeper in the zoo where I lived with my family, and listening to their radio.

Due to legal reasons, I'm not permitted to state which zoo, as firstly my family are still there, happy, and furthermore they have an injunction against me mentioning which zoo as it would amount to bad publicity for them as I escaped from there in 2005. They have agreed not to attempt to re-capture me in return for my silence on mentioning which zoo had a successful escape with no recapture of an animal.

They were talking in the paper (I believe it was The Sun) about the invasion of the Falklands by Argentina, and I admit I had been following the story quite a bit previously in other papers left around. I'm not an agressive monkey, so I thought the prospect of war was a little daunting, but when I heard on the radio how one rabidly left-leaning Labour MP thought Margaret Thatcher was bananas, I suddenly thought: hang on, that's my kind of woman! I was a right-winger from that point on, and quite vociferous on supporting British victory in the Falklands.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s the zoo loaned me out for various television and acting stints (I was always getting called up for PG Tips tea adverts) and it was through acting that I met Arnold Schwartzenegger in 1987, and through talking to him, I helped him with fixing his political opinions.

There were other things that developed my Conservatism, various things I read and saw on the news, but it wasn't until 2005 that I met the Tory lady who gave me a banana as mentioned before that really got me dedicated and involved in politics.

Now, I understand these memes have to be passed on. I'm tagging Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, Archbishop Cranmer, John Moorcraft, Tory Heaven and Linguanaut (Damon Lord).

Problems with my computer

2007-09-29T14:39:00.000+01:00

I was surfing away, happy as a monkey with a banana drinking a cup of tea for the PG Tips adverts (ah, those were the days, that's what first got me into doing small jobs in Hollywood), when I saw the Lib Dem Pink Dog's blog post on James Purnell. Go view it yourself by clicking here, then come back and read on.

I laughed and laughed so hard after commenting there that I fell out of my tree. On falling, I bumped my laptop. I'm fine, but the machine isn't; it still works, but now the screen only shows stuff in black and white. I've a good mind to take legal action against Pink Dog now, for putting up a picture so funny that it has been to my detriment.

Be warned, Pink Dog. I'm going to my solicitors' office on Tuesday morning for preliminary advice, before I head off to another selection meeting.

Another selection meeting coming up

2007-09-28T21:39:00.000+01:00

I'm off to Yorkshire next week. I'm not going to conference, as there's a selection meeting for me to attend. I've got my train ticket booked, time off work, and everything, travelling to Manchester, then across via Leeds. The town of Barmpotsby is a good Conservative/Labour marginal. It's got a lot of rural areas in the constituency, so I reckon it's got a good chance to go blue next time. The local Conservative Association is looking for a candidate, and I'm off to hopefully get selected!

Wish me luck!

Conservative Future Elections

2007-09-27T00:25:00.000+01:00

It is important to support the youth section of the Conservative Party, and as a prominent A-List candidate, I'm openly declaring my support today for Conservative Future 4 Britain, and their candidates. Today Anastacia Beaumont-Bott threw a hat into the ring. Good luck, Anastacia!

Some Conservatives have all the fun...

2007-09-26T01:37:00.000+01:00

News has just reached me that a highly successful university branch of Conservative Bestiary spent a major proportion of its budget at the end of the last academic year travelling to foreign climes, before spending the majority of the university-provided funding indulging in the artistic undressing atributes of ladies of talent.

Ladies of the night? I prefer ladies of the Right. However, one must admire their principled application of the free market economy within the European Union. Some conservatives have all the fun....

Will you be my friend?

2007-09-19T19:45:00.000+01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Monkeys and Bananas, I am now on Facebook. If you would like to be my friend, do click accordingly. It's one of those things that a politician must do these days, keeping a Facebook account profile, so happily I do it.

Candidate in trouble

2007-09-19T17:55:00.000+01:00

Only on the A-list for a short time, and already I'm in trouble. Conference is coming up, and I've been told in no uncertain terms that my attendance is expected.

But I can't go.

I've tried getting time off at work, at the directory enquiries firm where I work, but they are extremely strict about awarding time off or holiday time, as the priority is to keep people on the phones, and time off is at a premium. In fact, one colleague in the team where I work had a bit of a breakdown in the office this afternoon. Her father's funeral was today, and they'd given her compassionate leave to arrange the funeral, but was not allowed to take any more time off today, the day her father was buried. I'm starting to feel that this is not such a happy place to work after all. It was resolved in the end as they gave her ten minbutes off the phones to call her mother's mobile, then told her she had to get back to work or face a disciplinary. Are call centres the modern equivalent of the 19th century workhouses? I suspect they are.

But back to politics. I need to think of a convincing excuse to tell my employer why I'm not at work during the forthcoming conference; then if I do manage to get to conference, I must then avoid the cameras and press, as they are likely to want to interview me (as I am the only openly bestial candidate) and I might be seen back home by my bosses.

What to do?

Interspecies voters conference

2007-09-17T22:49:00.000+01:00

I was invited to give a speech yesterday at an interspecies conference about getting out the bestial vote. The audience was composed of more than fifty percent birds, which supports the recently published academic observation that birds are more politically astute. There were various speakers from different parties, including a socialist ferret, myself representing the conservative point of view, a pigeon from the Liberal Democrats and a Jack Russell from UKIP.

The socialist ferret gave a speech about all sections of the society (particularly the underprivileged) participating in voting, citing successes in local council elections such as in Birmingham where pets had controversially got the vote thanks to Labour. My speech went well, on the importance of democracy and voter participation amongst first time animal voters, but shortly after chaos broke out.

The Jack Russell from UKIP was rather twitchy and nervous, and kept snapping at things that weren't there, and fell off the platform as he started on about referenda for various European issues. Poor thing, he collapsed half way through and had to go and lie down. The Lib Dem pigeon got into a bit of a flap about this, forgot what he was saying, then flew about the hall pooping on attendees' heads.

Everyone exited the hall, to find that someone had scattered bread outside and the birds lost it and went wild, particularly the swans. This was part of the intended buffet for afterwards. What had been a successful event was spoiled by careless catering and UKIP. I picked up a hand of bananas and went home.

Stating the obvious

2007-09-17T22:42:00.000+01:00

Ah, the glorious Liberal Democrats, celebrating their silliness by stating the flippin' obvious at their party blogging awards:

"The Liberal Democrat blogging community is very much a community," said award winner James Graham.

Um, yes. What else would a community be, but a community? It is implied in the first usage of the word community.

Now you'll have to excuse me for stating the obvious, but this blog is bananas....

Back to work

2007-09-16T12:51:00.001+01:00

Back home in Ludlow, I headed off to work on Friday. Working in a call centre is okay, it certainly pays the bills, but I don't know, maybe something has changed since we got out of training. In training, they presented it as being a bright and bubbly company to work in, with plenty of opportunity for the aspiring member of staff. However, when I get out on the floor, it seems that not everyone is happy.

They certainly weren't happy with me when I returned to work. Last week I pulled a sickie to get off work and go to London, and this week I somehow managed to book it off as holiday. It's incredible, as they queue up the calls such, and have such a high turnover of staff that it's nigh impossible to book any time off because I should be on the phones, but somehow I did it.

But when I got in on Friday, they gave me 24 hours notice that I had a disciplinary meeting on Saturday for my absence last week (as they had changed my shifts without telling me whilst I was away, and now must permanently do a weekend day as well, and they'll give me one day off in the week in exchange, the weekday at their discretion). I'm thinking there is something amiss here, as when I told various colleagues that I was going for a disciplinary, they were not worried, but rather quite congratulatory. "Well done! That's time off the phones!" Not to worry though, it was my first offence so they would let it slide.

Perhaps working for a directory enquiries company is not all it cracked up to be. Maybe I am just a phone monkey.... And having an employer which messes around with your hours so is not conducive to planning my diary as to knowing which constituency meetings I can attend for selection!

Have to go now, I'm off to take part and give a speech at an interspecies forum to discuss bestial politics and encouraging voter participation in the animal kingdom. Should be interesting.

Unsuccessful monkey

2007-09-13T19:29:00.000+01:00

I was unfortunate enough not to be selected at the meeting on Wednesday evening to be the prospective Conservative candidate for the constituency of Cùl-mhùtaireachd Coicèin. I'm a dejected little monkey now.

And no, the promotional video did not help. BT are such in the little town of Pog-Mo-Thoin (where the meeting was held) that it seems they've only just got dial-up. That's why no blogging for a few days. I caught a stray wireless signal across the water from Stornoway at one point, but then it was gone, like, like... something that goes.

I only have a few minutes as I'm just changing buses in Glasgow again, stealing a wireless signal from a local office, in Buchanan Street Bus Station, so I can't write any more just now. I'll write some more soon when I get back to Ludlow. I'm off to get a banana in batter in batter in batter in batter (I'll push the boat out and have extra batter)with chips and then catch the National Express back to Digbeth, Birmingham, and then home to Ludlow.

Toodle pip!

Glasgow and bananas

2007-09-11T19:50:00.000+01:00

I'm in Glasgow in Buchanan Street Bus Station at the moment, stealing a stray wireless signal from a local office. I'm on my way to Pog-Mo-Thoin, just opposite the Butt of Lewis, main town of the Cùl-mhùtaireachd Coicèin constituency. It's been a long journey, and it's not over yet. A trek over to Digbeth in Birmingham, then a long journey via Manchester on the bus to Glasgow. I'm waiting for my overnight bus up the west coast via Inverness, where I have to change to catch the bus to Pog-Mo-Thoin. All this on the off-chance I might get selected as Conservative candidate for the next General Election. The things I do for my party....

So what's to see? Buses, like every other bus station in the country. I went for a walk to get some food, and found myself in a chip shop. There were a few tables and chairs inside, offering a basic café service. It reminded me of Sweaty Noras Greasy Poon back in Ludlow. They have the strange delicacy here of a mars bar in batter. I ordered a banana in batter with chips. They then asked me if I wanted it in batter. Doesn't it come in batter already? I asked. It does, they clarified in their delicious Glaswegian accent, but do I want extra batter? I decided I did. Twice.

I think they then asked if I was going to eat it outwith. I was puzzled, but apparently it means outside, as it's the opposite of within. I took my chips and banana in batter in batter in batter and headed back to the bus station.

Ah, here comes the bus! See you soon!

Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette Video

2007-09-11T00:40:00.000+01:00

Now that I'm an A-List candidate for the Conservative Party, it is only fair that I have a promotional video. I knocked this together with the help of Johan and Vlad. I'll be touring the country visiting constituencies that are to select their prospective parliamentary candidates, and this video can only aid me in the attempt to get selected.

So sit back, get out the popcorn (or bananas!), and enjoy.

And don't forget to Vote Monkey with a Blue Rosette when it comes to selection in your consituency!

Scotland

2007-09-11T00:33:00.000+01:00

I'll be off in a little while, I have a very early start. I have to go the Scottish rural consituency in the highlands called Cùl-mhùtaireachd Coicèin, a constituency previously and likely to remain a Lib Dem/SNP marginal. A conservative Monkey with a Blue Rosette like me, however, if selected, could easily turn things around and make the seat blue! I've also heard that they've already got someone in mind for selection, but it's never official. I need to go there, give my speech, answer their questions, and who knows maybe get selected. I've heard on good authority they might be looking for someone a bit more local though, so it might be a wasted journey.

Before I head off to Scotland, however, I have a few things to do....

I'm a happy tree-hugger

2007-09-10T19:56:00.000+01:00

I am happy to be a member of the Tory Party, and an A-List candidate to boot!

That nice Mr Cameron's policy group has been thinking about green measures, but has particularly been lambasted for changing the measure of wealth of a nation, abandoning GDP as a measurement. The Times has written it up like this:

the most controversial idea may be the proposed abandonment of GDP (gross domestic product) as the main measure of the nation’s success. Goldsmith and Gummer suggest it could be replaced with the so-called Happy Planet Index (HPI), devised by the New Economics Foundation and Friends of the Earth, which tries to include measures of human wellbeing and happiness in measures of national success.

David Cameron has been lambasted as a tree-hugger for this, but I think this is a brilliant idea. After all, the world needs more tree-huggers. I'm a happy little monkey, and if I didn't hug my tree, I'd fall down off my branch.

So I'm a Tory tree-hugger and proud. If I wasn't, I'd be out of my tree!

Which country are you?

2007-09-09T20:22:00.000+01:00

This monkey is apparently Taiwan....

You're Taiwan!

Despite enormous setbacks, including the fact that most people refuse to
recognize who you are or even that you exist at all, you've built yourself into quite a
productive person. You've got a little trouble maintaining a sense of personal order,
but through the mess, you're still very industrious and have a small but pivotal impact on
almost everyone you know, and even people you don't. You make a whole lot of stuff.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Moonlighting

2007-09-09T20:02:00.001+01:00

I've been working odd jobs, in addition to my job at the directory enquiries call centre as a phone monkey. Some of you may have seen my latest job, involving a public appearance on television. For those who may have missed it, it's on YouTube, and reproduced below. I admit it was done under a lot of make-up, so I don't quite look the same, and they made me take my blue rosette off, but I did a good day's job, and finally got to show off my musical talents. And that, dear readers, is how I was able to afford my little jaunt to London recently to become an A-List candidate. Now if only I could get a job advertising bananas....

Leaving London

2007-09-08T09:52:00.000+01:00

Friday was a final day of training in Conservative Central Office, or CCHQ as we insiders call it, before heading back home. About five minutes before the end, who should pop in? Only David Cameron himself! He spent a few moments with me, talking about the importance of renewal in the party, and was glad to have such members from diverse backgrounds, including me, a monkey! Unfortunately, he was off to make a speech somewhere so didn't have time to take a picture.

I headed over to London Euston, my confidence boosted. I decided it was time to ride home in style, so I caught the Virgin train back to Birmingham, first class!

I won't be online for a few days, as I'm watching the rugby. Toodle-pip!

And the winner is....

2007-09-07T00:16:00.000+01:00

My congratulations to the winner of the Miss Tory T-Shirt competition tonight, namely Ms Bernice Alice-Jan Giblets, where I was a guest judge. It was hosted in the Opallo in Spannersmith, W6, by the West London Conservative Bestiary.

Hangover in Westminster

2007-09-06T20:05:00.000+01:00

I don't remember what happened last night. I don't remember if Mark Rhymes stayed out too late either. I found him to be a very slick and savvy. Quite a people person, very persuasive, a smooth talker. His words slide around you like the beer slid down my throat last night. Ah, beer. How I love you, yet how treacherous you are! All I know is that about 4am, I woke up back in my hotel room, with my mouth tasting like carpet. I'm still trying to put together what happened.

I got up a few hours later and went downstairs for breakfast, after a quick call in to work to call in sick again. I spoke to the call flow department, who deal with that sort of thing. They moaned about how there were a number of people calling in sick today. It seems the call centre industry, particularly in the directory enquiries subsector, has a lot of problems with staff retention and attendance, but I was pulling a genuine sickie this time, the hangover saw to that. I downed a gallon of coffee, put on my sunglasses and headed back to Tory HQ for another day of induction for A-List candidates.

It started well; and by lunchtime I felt assured of success. We headed over to the Houses of Parliament for lunch. I got my lunch (I was going to have a fry up to get over the hangover, but I felt sick, so had a banana fruit salad instead), and as we were queuing up to pay, an elderly and seemingly doddery and senile man was arguing with the cashier over the price of a cup of tea. He kept trying to pay one penny more. "That's Ming Campbell, leader of the Liberal Democrats," my Conservative colleague whispered to me. "This is where he's been hiding out all summer. Poor chap, he's had nowhere else to go. All on his own. He hasn't said a thing for months until just now."

The argument continued, until Ming finally lost it. "Do you know who I am?" he shouted.

"No," replied the cashier, quick as a flash, "and neither do the rest of the country!"

Nice retort. Oh, how I laughed. I would say the old ones are the best, but that's not true in Ming Campbell's case.

The afternoon went well, and I have to tell you, it was brilliant! And the best bit? I am now an A-List candidate! Must go now, I've been invited the Miss Tory T-Shirt competition hosted by the London West Conservative Bestiary tonight as a judge.

Westminster or Bust!

2007-09-05T21:26:00.000+01:00

Getting to Conservative Central Office is a task in itself. Although the Smithfield car park where I live is quite near the railway line, it's a bit of a walk to the station itself. And then getting to London....Trains from Ludlow to London are not easy to catch. First you must trek to Shrewsbury, change then head over to Birmingham New Street, change then catch the Silverlink service or Virgin train down to London Euston. The alternative is to travel down to Hereford, and hope trains are running down into London Paddington. In the end, I opted for a very early start via Shrewsbury and Birmingham. It was slightly cheaper to go to London Marylebone from Birmingham Moor Street instead, so I did that.

Ah, London! How I love the town. My appointment at CCHQ was at 3pm, and I'm going to be staying in London for a few days. It's unusual, they said, to have potential A-List candidates coming forward this late in the political cycle, but after Ali Miraj fell from grace, a spot came up.

I nearly didn't make the appointment though. The London Underground had major problems caused by striking unions. How I love Margaret Thatcher for the way she stood up to the unions in the 1980s. What we need is a Tory leader like David Cameron who can carry on the way she did. (Is that OK, Central Office, to prove I'm not an Ancramite?)

Anyway, you'll be wanting to know how I got on. Well, it's only the first day. I did some tests first, some psychological profiling, to ensure I'm not nuts, although they say if you want to be involved in politics, you must be! From the results of one of the tests, I have the sort of character where I get upset if people don't park in spaces properly in car parks. Living in a tree above a car park, I can't say I'm all that bothered, but I nodded sagely and replied that it must mean I have an eye for detail when it comes to local issues.

They're going to give me some more tests tomorrow, give a few speeches, do some mock press interviews, and an odd one where I have to speak for three minutes authoratively on a topic I know nothing about. This is a vital skill in politics, aparently. I'm back at the hotel now, just logging on to let you all know I'm fine and living it up in London.

I'll have to go in a few minutes. I've been invited out for a few drinks by the Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Hooting constituency in South London, well known for its large owl population. His name is Mark Rhymes, and like me, is not a human. He's a secretary bird, which no doubt will appeal to the local bird population. He's also nominally the Chairman of the Conservative Bestiary, although the organisation is doing very little nationally at the moment.

Joining the party at last

2007-09-04T22:43:00.000+01:00

Latest news: I just had an e-mail from London, and I've been invited to an interview tomorrow at Conservative Party HQ in Victoria Street, Westminster. They've been so impressed by this blog that they're giving me special dispensation, waiving the membership fee, and want to interview me for A-List candidacy! I was astonished, but already my political career is taking off.

The only problem is I just started my new job at a call centre here in Ludlow on Monday. An agency lined it up for me. I do like my job, working for a well known directory enquiries firm that have just set up a branch here in Ludlow, but it's only my third day I'll have to pull a sickie. Ah well, I did vow to dedicate my life to the Conservative cause. Here's a photo of me at work!

Official Statement in light of Michael Ancram's comments

2007-09-04T20:10:00.000+01:00

I must now make an official statement in light of Michael Ancram QC's comments recently.

I am not related to David Cameron.

The reasons for this statement are quite clear: after becoming aware of Ancram's statements about trashing the Thatcherite past, David Cameron was heard in disbelief to exclaim: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! This is particularly poignant as Stephen Dorrell has said that Cameron is building on Thatcher's legacy.

Since Cameron's throwaway remark, I have been hounded all day by journalists, particulary by journalists from The Independent and The Guardian. So for once and for all, let me make it clear, David Cameron is related to me only by common political belief, and shares no familial link with me.

For the record, here's a picture of me with my Uncle Lester.

Missing Arnold Schwartzenegger

2007-09-03T20:17:00.000+01:00

I'm most upset that dear Arnold is not going to the Conservative Party Conference. I planned to go, but I sadly don't think I will attend, as I now won't be seeing my old friend again. We worked together in 1987 on the set of the film Predator, where I played the eponymous monster. I was chosen for the role because of my flexibility, particularly amongst the trees. I've done quite a bit of movie work since then. Arnie's probably busy saving the world again, that's why he can't go.

Oh, the fun we had! In fact, it was through our discussions over the lunchtime lasagne (I hate lasagne! The only fruit baskets on set were in Arnie's trailer, but he used to give me bananas) that Arnie first got interested in politics. He was so impressed by my political opinions, even though I hadn't declared my love for the Conservative Party yet (I outed myself in 2005), that he later stated privately in correspondence with me that I was his political inspiration for getting involved in politics. He's now Governor of California, so you can't say my advice was wrong! We've remained in touch ever since, but haven't seen each other since then.

Dragons are political animals too

2007-09-03T19:42:00.000+01:00

I must admit that I was rather dubious whether dragons would class as political animals, particularly as they fall into the field of crpytozoology, whereas yours truly is a subject of zoology. But after protestations from the political blogger ThunderDragon, I hereby declare that I am adding my Tory blogging friend to the blogroll. I'm not including Recess Monkey, though, as it's just a human pretending to be a monkey. How droll... Get some real simian DNA if you want to be a monkey!

Maybe next year Iain Dale can do a category in the next edition of his blogging book with list of a top twenty political animals?

Conservative Political Opinions

2007-09-02T15:52:00.001+01:00

I've just found out that I've been added to the blogrolls in Political Opinions. Very nice! The only problem is I'm listed as a commentator.

I don't know why they've made this mistake. I'm curious why they've listed me as such, because I'd like to state clearly for the record my political stance and goals: I am a full supporter of the Conservative Party, currently investigating membership. When a full member, I plan to apply to stand for election as soon as possible - I'm sure there's a consituency out there for me? It is my personal goal in the next General Election to be elected as the first Tory monkey in Parliament.

And I think David Cameron is great!

Love in Wales

2007-09-02T13:11:00.000+01:00

I apologise for not blogging recently, but there is a good reason. Johan, Perspiration Betty, Sweaty Nora and I headed off to the Shropshire coast, only to find some mountains in between the sea and the edge of Shropshire. Perspiration Betty's SatNav still showed us as being in Shropshire for a while though, and I thought I was going to lose the bet, but finally it flicked over to showing us in Aber-wrist-watch (or something like that) on the coast. We proceeded to celebrate the existence of Wales, and it was whilst out on the town/village, I met the most beautiful monkey I have ever seen. Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. She had yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there, know what I mean! She was there with her friends, and it was a whirlwind romance, doing things that unwed monkeys shouldn't, and we decided to stay a few days on; but it was not to be.

I was approaching asking her to elope with me to Gretna Green, but she then dropped the bombshell. She was there on her hen-do, and I was her final fling! I should have guessed by her clothing, wearing a hen outfit from Ann Summers. I felt used. We parted amicably, but I swore never to be hurt again.

We headed back to Shropshire, where I decided I needed a sole focus in life: I vowed to dedicate my life to the Conservative cause, and would not rest until David Cameron was Prime Minister.

Off to the Shropshire coast

2007-08-26T22:47:00.000+01:00

I've been arguing with Johan, Sweaty Nora and Perspiration Betty. We've been talking about Europe and they think that Wales has been abolished by the European Union. They base this rather foolish idea on a document and map that was published in 2004 by the European Union which showed Wales as, well, quite simply not there. As it's Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow, we're off to the Shropshire coast to discover if Wales still exists. I've got a ten pound bet and a banana sandwich riding on on this. I'll be back soon.

Book review

2007-08-26T00:07:00.000+01:00

I didn't blog yesterday as I found a fifty pound note on the floor in the car park, then to celebrate had a shot of banana flavoured vodka. It went straight to my head, and instead of saving £25 for my Tory party membership fee, I went on a twenty-four hour booze-up with Johan and Sweaty Nora around the pubs of Ludlow, and got so drunk that we somehow we ended up in Great Yarmouth and none of us remember how. Perspiration Betty came over in her car after a drunken text message and picked us up, and has now forgiven me for walking out on her the other day. I am a naughty little monkey!

To make up for it, and get back torying, I went shopping and spent the last of my money on The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze, edited by Iain Dale and Guido Fawkes, in order to improve my Tory education. It's a great book, a compilation of brilliant blog posts during Blair's reign of fire, and it's really entertaining. It brought back memories, and certainly will give me some reading fodder for the next few days as I reread it, as well as when I check out the various blogs of the writers contained within. I heartily recommend it.

Exam results!

2007-08-23T22:08:00.000+01:00

After calling around the agencies to sign up (they'll contact me if there are any jobs), I headed down to Ludlow College.

Today was the results for GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education) students across the land, and it's all over the news. For the last year, down at Ludlow College, I've been doing an evening class to improve my CV. I've got my MCSE (Monkey Certificate of Secondary Education) qualifications under my belt (or rather my rosette, as monkeys don't wear belts!) already, but I've been studying for a GCSE in the Alutiiq language. I thought I'd signed up for the Arabic language (as apparently I could earn good wages in Saudi Arabia), but I'd forgotten my contact lenses that day, so hadn't read it properly and misread the form. I couldn't get a refund; I'd signed up for the wrong class and was stuck with it, so I went along to the first class, and fortunately I was hooked. Only one problem with the course: I never did learn the Alutiiq word for banana, even though I used to eat them all the time in class.

I also did a day course in Home Economics. At first I thought this would be a good course to do which could ease me gently into understanding better numbers, the economy, and also the mind of Public Enemy Number One Gordon Brown, but it turned out to be a cookery class instead! There was no exam at the end though, it was an uncredited course, so no qualification at the end, but I did take home a nice banana cake. I should post the recipe on here some time.

There will be ongoing political debates about the worth of GCSEs in the UK, but let's not try and run the students down today. They've worked hard, and well deserve their day of glory. Let's leave politics aside for today.

Anyway, you'll be wanting to know how I did?

I got a B grade! Quyanaasinaq (thank you very much), exam board.

Monkey with a blue rosette goes to work, watches football

2007-08-23T01:58:00.000+01:00

Off to work I went. I arrived at Perspiration Betty's and immediately regretted it. When she asked about the bananas, I said I'd forgotten them (I'd actually eaten them on the way). Perspiration Betty showed me into a room with a phone and a bed, and told me to make myself comfortable. I was so excited, my first proper job, that I even got my photo taken before I started! Perspiration Betty then explained the job to me. I was to be an operator for an adult chat line! I couldn't last the course. My first call came through, and as I started to read from my script that I was "a naughty monkey", I just hung up on the caller. Perspiration Betty was furious. I said that I was a serious monkey with a blue rosette, with genuine political career aspirations, and it would only do me harm within the Conservative Party to continue working there another moment, so I left immediately. I didn't get paid.

Ah well, I'm off to the agencies tomorrow. I went round my mate Johan's place after quitting the job; he's a German football, and he'd TIVOed the football game from earlier. As you probably know, England lost. Look at the smug git grinning! I'm feeling even more down now. Will I ever get a decent job?

Joining the party

2007-08-22T21:27:00.000+01:00

My congratulations to the blogger Daily Referendum. It's great news that he's joined the greatest political party in the world, the Conservative Party, and at last got his card.

It won't be long and I'll be joining too; I'm off in a few minutes to head over to Perspiration Betty's parlour to see about this job to earn some dosh for the membership fee. For some reason she said bring some bananas. I don't know why. I'll find out when I get there. See you later.

David Cameron speaks out on youth crime

2007-08-22T17:28:00.001+01:00

I'm happy to have found out today that nice Mr David Cameron spoke out on youth crime. I'm glad he's been on about that; I get so tired of the local youths with their bottles of White Lightning coming round and throwing stones at me in my tree. Can't they leave a monkey with a blue rosette in peace? He's to look at tackling the problems of drugs, drink, debt and unemployment in the youth today too.

Speaking of unemployment, I was at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon having a banana sandwich, moaning about my need to find a job to save up £25 to join the Conservatives, when she mentioned that her sister, Perspiration Betty, has a job going where she works late at night, manning the phones. I'm going to go round later and check it out. I've also got some interviews lined up with some agencies too.

Monkey with a blue rosette gets on YouTube!

2007-08-21T21:55:00.000+01:00

Ladies and gents, prepare to be astounded, as the only Monkey with a Blue Rosette on the Internet makes his first video appearance! Today, YouTube. Tomorrow, party political broadcasts for the Conservative Party? Who knows?!

All right, the camera's a bit shaky, but it's my first video....

Now let's see if this thing works....

Here's a video of me watching YouTube, with the good old traditional hymn "Jerusalem" playing.

Monkey with a blue rosette online 24/7?

2007-08-21T18:11:00.001+01:00

One of the first requirements these days of any Tory is some form of connection to the Internet, followed by a website. This blog serves as the second, but I still have difficulty with the first. As previously mentioned, I have a laptop, but not broadband. BT refuse to connect my tree to the net, so I'm stuck stealing bandwidth of a local unsecured wireless connection. It is immensely difficult sometimes, when the signal weakens in the middle of downloading a large picture of Mrs Margaret Thatcher from the Thatcher Foundation website and cuts out, causing me to hang on to the tips of the slenderest branches with my laptop in my paws, just so I can reconnect.

But it seems my problems will soon be solved, as Ludlow is to go online! As everyone knows, the Ludlow and Tenbury Wells Advertiser is a wonderful source of local information, and they reported today that the Chamber of Trade is looking into ways to blanket the town with broadband wireless.

Bring it on! Monkey with a blue rosette online, 24/7! Until, then, it's back to the books.

Tories and holidays

2007-08-21T12:20:00.000+01:00

I know I'm looking for a job, preferably with good pay, bananas, prospects and an understanding for Conservatism, but like everyone, I would look forward to a day off when I finally get a decent job. There have been whispers that the Conservatives may look at introducing three new bank holidays, and I welcome this, although the policy forum hasn't published its findings yet.

So without further ado, here are my suggestions for three new bank holidays:

Winston Churchill Day: (date to be decided) why not honour the great man?

National holiday: England and St George's Day, Scotland and St David's Day, Wales and St Andrew's Day. (Northern Ireland has St Patrick's Day off already)

Banana Day: (date to be decided) Let us honour the greatest fruit God has ever given us.

David Cameron, I hope you are reading this.

Addendum: I've just been informed I got Wales' and Scotland's patron saints the wrong way round. What do you expect from a good British education, where Wikipedia is seen as the ultimate authority? I've got thirteen MCSEs (Monkey Certificate of Secondary Education).

The expansion of the EU and job hunting

2007-08-20T21:31:00.000+01:00

Vlad came round again last night, and we got talking about the European Union, and particularly the expansion of the EU. He welcomed Romania joining the EU, as well as Bulgaria, and we chatted about other states joining. He thought Moldova was a long way off joining though until it solved the problems of the separatist Transnistria region. I mentioned that I was undecided about Turkey joining the EU, and that's when it all went bad. Vlad went nuts. "Those accursed Ottomans," he yelled, "The blood that flows in these veins shall never forget even if I go on forever! The blood is the life! They who stole the Hagia Sophia and beat at the very gates of Vienna; we can never let them into Europe again!" He ran off screaming through the streets of Ludlow about avenging his people, and I felt quite scared.

I backed off at that point, and I decided there and then that I would work for Vlad no more. I checked how much money I had, just over ten pounds after my bacon sandwiches over the weekend (and as a treat my free banana sandwiches) at Sweaty Noras Greasy poon. So I got on the Internet and searched for jobs, as I may have only ten quid, but I need another fifteen quid to join the Tory Party. I found that I was not the only monkey looking for a job; in Mesa, Arizona in the USA, they have been looking to employ a monkey for the SWAT team. It's not bad wages, $100,000. Maybe the local police force are recruiting?

I phoned up the West Mercia Constabulary and got through to their non-emergency call centre in Worcester. After being passed around, I finally got through to HR, and made enquiries about joining up. For some reason they didn't quite believe that I would be wanting to join. They also probed my past, about when I was on the inside, before I escaped from the zoo, and I answered all questions truthfully; it would only come back to haunt me if I didn't. They were only recruiting police dogs at the moment, but I could be taken on as a force mascot. I asked about the pay, and they laughed and said it would be peanuts. They then hung up!

I was rather upset by this indignity, so I guess I won't be joining the police just yet. I could have made a great copper, it would have been an arresting sight! But I still have a great respect for the police, even though they didn't take me seriously. After all, David Davies MP is a special constable, and a jolly good one at that!

Wot no bananas?

2007-08-20T01:07:00.000+01:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm one all for localism when it comes to politics, and one of my favourite Tory MPs (I have a scrap book of photos of all my favourites and their election literature), John Penrose in Weston Super Mare is a big proponent of localism, but Sunday evening I had some devastating news.

I was sat in the window of Sweaty Noras Greasy poon [sic] eating my beloved banana sandwiches (two slices of white bread with thick margerine, a sliced banana with a spoonful of sugar dusted over the top) when Nora came over and had a chat.

Ludlow is well known for its 'slow food' movement, buying local, enjoying local food, she said, and that is to be applauded. However, she explained, as she was thinking of switching over to the slow food movement herself in the café, there might be some trouble giving me banana sandwiches in future, as she didn't think she could source them locally. She's going to look into things and get back to me to see if there's some work-around for this problem.

Reader, I'm worried. What will I do without bananas?

My new friends - links to me

2007-08-19T14:54:00.000+01:00

Checking out Technorati, it seems that I am making friends with my blog. Everyone who links to me, I intend to link back (as long as you are nice). Particular prominence will be given to those who give me bananas.

Of particular interest of recent links here is someone with ther rather odd moniker of "Miserable Old Fart", who suggests Ludlow could be more worthy of the title of the capital of Wales? Hmmm.... In his comments section, there's a comment on Offa's Dyke, the one-time border between England and Wales. To be honest with you, bwt, I always thought Offa's Dyke was a great name for the local massage parlour here in Ludlow....

But if I am making friends in Wales, too, it's time to brush up on my Welsh. What's the Welsh for Tory? Ceidwadwyr? How do you pronounce that?

Sweaty Nora's Greasy (s)Poon

2007-08-19T14:31:00.001+01:00

Yesterday morning I decided to treat myself and headed down to the famous local café, Sweaty Nora's Greasy Spoon. Or rather, Sweaty Noras Greasy poon as it actually is written. She doesn't know how to use the apostrophe and an S fell off the sign.

Sweaty Nora's is a fabulous establishment. I often go there for a bacon sandwich when I have a bit of money, and Nora often does me a banana sandwich for free, because having me sit at the table in the window brings in the customers, so she says. It was my primary source (until I got this laptop) for getting information about the political world. They take The Sun and The Mirror, and they do get The Daily Star and The Daily Sport as well, but those papers are usually stolen by the builders who come in just after opening time for a breakfast. I used to have a subscription to The Spectator, but I cancelled it when the Royal Mail kept having difficulty delivering it. I mean, how difficult is it to deliver it to Wilberforce Monkey, The tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park, Ludlow? All right, I may have forgotten the post code, but...

Anyway, I was in there yesterday, and as a rarity someone had left behind a copy of The Daily Telegraph. I was very saddened to read that Lord Bill Deedes, the infamous journalist and former cabinet member, had died. On the rare moments when a copy of The Telegraph was left behind, I used to enjoy reading the articles from this modest, yet giant of politics. I will miss his writing.

My so-called life

2007-08-17T00:04:00.001+01:00

It has fallen to me to explain my current circumstances, and why I currently am seeking to change them. I live in a tree overlooking the Smithfield Car Park in Ludlow, Shropshire, and it's been quite a nice life, but it does tend to be quite a hand to mouth existence. I don't have a job, or rather, I do have a job, but it's a bit irregular.

Since the opening up of the European Union into Eastern Europe, there's been a lot of immigrants from the former Soviet bloc coming over. One of them is a friend of mine who occasionally gives me odd jobs to do, and his name is Vlad Ţepeş. I think he's possibly Hungarian, and I do odd jobs for him.

He's a good lad, is our Vlad, but he does keep odd hours. Like tonight. I've been working a lot for him of late, and he gives me notes to deliver, parcels to take to places. In fact, he's got a couple of monkeys apart from me doing errands, and the joke is that he's trying to do DHL and ParcelForce out of business, with his own MonkeyForce. That's how I managed to save up for this laptop I'm writing this on, and I'm now using it by stealing a stray wireless collection that I think comes from a strange lady who keeps a lot of cats and wears smelly old cardigans down the street. I think she's possibly a novelist, or a Liberal Democrat, although she doesn't wear sandals. Anyway, checking into the router to see what other users/thieves of the unsecured wireless signal are looking for, I see that there's a lot of "pussy" being looked for anyway, so that's why I suspect it's her. Because of her cats.

Anyway, tonight Vlad came round and asked me to take a parcel round to one of his lady friends. I said, yeah, no problem, Vlad me old mate, and off I went, like a monkey after a banana. He used to pay me peanuts, but I renegotiated my understanding with him, and he pays me in cash, has done for a while, that's how I got my laptop. Anyway, I was on my way, and silly me! I tripped, and the package opened and I saw what was inside.

I knew Vlad was into some dodgy stuff, but no questions asked, cash in hand, I was his man (or monkey). But it's medical supplies of some red stuff from down the Ludlow Community Hospital! There was no harm done to the package, so I delivered it to a very foxy chick with a Romanian accent who gave me a twenty pound note as a tip, so that's me sorted for the weekend. What's more she had a fit sister too who looked the same, maybe twins? But they spurned my advances, however, saying they had some studying to do. To prove it, they showed me a copy of Teach Yourself Estonian and How to recover from surgery that they had been reading. I got out of there.

I don't know though. My conscience is bugging me. I'm going to have to stop working for Vlad. The Conservatives are the party of enterprise and promise, so I need to find a proper job to fund my future. Membership of the party doesn't come cheap, at 25 quid a pop!

Thoughts on selecting the London Mayor

2007-08-16T20:52:00.000+01:00

Labour supporters are trying to wreck the selection process for the Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, so I've heard, potentially sabotaging that nice Mr Boris Johnson's chances.

This is terrible. Why can't everyone play nice? I've discovered in politics that everyone likes to be nasty to each other.

On the other hand, if there are likely to be attempts to rig the elections like this by Labour supporters, it could turn London into a banana republic! That wouldn't all be bad, then.

Hmmm, bananas.......

Upset monkey

2007-08-16T02:01:00.000+01:00

Oh dear! I've not been blogging long, and already the political mudslinging has begun. On LibDemVoice.org the blog feeds showed an article which said they thought I was a fake! I was jolly upset by that, I should tell you.

On further investigation, I discovered it had been written by Pink Dog! I was astonished! I thought we could be such good friends, as it's not easy being a political animal, but I was saddened to find that Pink Dog doubts I can type. Ever heard of voice recognition software, my friend (although it does have a lot of difficulties understanding me)?

Looking forward to an election

2007-08-16T00:24:00.000+01:00

I'm quite excited at the moment, because as a monkey new to the Internet, I'm already making friends! I'd love to get more involved with the Tories, as they seem such a friendly bunch. I've always wanted to be a Tory since I escaped from the zoo during the General election in 2005, and a kindly old lady wearing a blue rosette threw me a banana. What kindness was this? It was kindness to help people progress, without them scrounging off the state, small government, low taxes, big bananas. I was in love, and infatuated with this political movement.

That brings me on to my next thought: there are whispers we might be heading for an early general election. That would be so exciting, because I would love to stand and do my bit for the party I have come to love and helped me in my early days of freedom. A couple of things stand in my way though.

Firstly, I'm not yet a member of the Tory Party. I'll have to rectify that with a letter to that nice Mr. David Cameron.

Secondly, once in, I'd need to get selected in a good seat. That'll be difficult.

Thirdly, I'm not actually sure if I'm registered to vote. There may be a few issues, what with me having escaped from the zoo, as who knows? I might even be down on the Home Office's books as an escapee, or an illegal immigrant!

Finally, I need to find a nice lady to be my life partner and feed me bananas all day. But who would care for a conservative monkey?

Greetings

2007-08-15T22:47:00.000+01:00

Hi!

I'm Wilberforce Monkey. I've been supporting the Conservatives for a long time, and have been interested in getting involved. This blog is to chart my quest to get involved in Toryism, find the ultimate in monkey food delicacies (I love bananas!), and as I'm a single monkey to find the perfect woman for me. At the moment, I spend my days surfing dating websites, but haven't had much luck yet.

Wish me luck!